KALE

If you eat enough kale you will live forever. Maybe even longer. You've all heard the crazy talk, the wild claims, the quasi-religious fervour. Is kale that good ? Can it all be true. Yes it can. Yes it is. Yes. Oh yes. If you're not eating your own body-weight in kale every week you're being a fool to yourself and a burden to others.

Some say that kale is almost as good as sex and money and religion all wrapped into one. This is of course quite ridiculous - kale is better than that. A single cup of raw kale every day will give you the ability to conquer large chunks of Europe and bits of North Africa while designing champagne glasses in your spare time. Just ask Napoleon Bonaparte.

Kale will make you taller, whiten your teeth, and massively increase the love and respect you get from your family and friends. Your ability to speak foreign languages will improve by up to 50%.
Making kale an integral part of your diet will change your life in many and wondrous ways. It's almost unbelievable !

A friend of mine ate nothing but kale for a year. He was able to invade and conquer several central African countries, bringing peace, prosperity, and a coherent cosmological overview, while at the same time fathering sixty children by two different women. He was seventy-eight at the time. He still lives with both these women in three different countries and is widely known for his wisdom and kindness. I'm told there's a possibility of Beatification in his own lifetime !

Do you want to be able to levitate ? Speak Russian ? Win the Tour de France without taking drugs ?

Kale not only makes all this possible, it makes it easy. World domination's a doddle with kale.

Will kale make you live forever ? Yes. Absolutely. I've been eating kale for years now and I haven't died once.

                                                                                 

ARE THERE ANY SIDE EFFECTS ? 
  
No idea what you're talking about. There is no danger of constant lying, delusions, or insanity.