ALIAS POOR YORICK

                                                                                  Damn you collective coma induced by the most boring election campaign ever. Countdown into single figures now. Must fight overpowering urge to lie down in the snow and sleep forever. Desperate times.Have had to resort to continuous i/v drip of uberdexamphetamines in order to meet a deadline or two. The electors are heading in their droves, or even someone else's droves, away from the major parties and into the amateurishly-tattooed arms of the minor parties. To understand why, please study this image of the deputy Prime Minister ....                                               ...

PM TURNBULL REACTS TO LATEST POLLING FIGURES  This Special Edition of * Results may vary is bought to you by the Narcolepsy Awareness Foundation. Have you been having trouble staying awake during this interminable election campaign ? I know we have. It feels like the whole office has been in some sort of coma/nightmare where absolutely nothing happens for days on end and then we start getting pictures of Turnbull and Shorten kissing dogs and Christopher Pyne starts singing "Jobs and Growth, Jobs and Growth" to a tune from Oklahoma and then Bill Shorten makes a speech and we all go back to sleep.. Or is that just me ? Should I stop having Beaujolais and Camembert for breakfast?  God help us it's been a drizzle. I haven't been this bored since I got lumbered with Tony Abbott late one night in the Press Club on his third bottle of St Henri and crapping on about how he'd shaved four minutes off the bike-riding leg of the Triathlon by wearing special Lycra un...

LIBERAL FUNDRAISING EVENT AT MALCOLM'S HOUSE What a week it's been on the campaign trail. There's been heat. There's been passion. There's been bitter and violent argument over exactly what percentile fraction house prices will grow more slowly under Labor's proposed negative gearing and capital gains tax changes. Many have stayed awake during this. Not moi unfortunately.  It's all a bit hazy. There's been a lot of talk about sex. Some of it involving animals. And people keep forgetting about houses they own. * Malcolm Turnbull was kissed by a dog called Brando & then Bill Shorten went out jogging and made friends with a Great Dane because apparently whoever gets slobbered on by the biggest dog gets to be Prime Minister. It's a new rule. * National Party MP George Christensen said he would rather shove two Tasmanian devils on heat down his pants than do a deal with the Greens. Which leads us to wonder how he knows this for sure. PM Ma...

                                                                                    DUTTON BEGS PM TO GIVE BACK HIS LIPS This was the week the government panicked over the lack of re-election traction afforded by policies like Vote for Malcolm, you can't go wrong with a man who owns 24 pairs of ocelot-fur underpants, and Vote for Us, you'll all make lots of money and your penis will grow bigger, & decided to pass the ball to Immigration Minister Peter Dutton so he could try out Vote for Us, we hate foreigners who want to come and live here and we know that you do to. Dutton told a grateful nation that the trouble with refugees is that they want to come here. No wait, there's more. They want to come here and they are all illiterate (many of them in more than one langu...

                                                                                  In which Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull(Above Left) defended the banks and real estate agents and Opposition Leader Bill Shorten(Above Right) told bemused punters that anyone who tells you that money doesn't matter in education is selling you a pig and a pope. At least according to Sky News. Because proof-reading is for sissies. And sub-editing is for the weak and unadventurous. Besides, the punters were there for the free beer & barbecue-shapes and by eight o'clock you could have told them the banks are not a criminally rapacious oligarchy and got away with it. Oh wait. Malcolm tried. He didn't. So how did it play out, this great debate, this first bloody gladiatorial clash of the 2016 Elect...

                                                                                    GREENS & LIBERALS FORM UNEASY ALLIANCE ON CLIMATE CHANGE * If this is Wednesday I must be in a pub in Northern Queensland having a beer with Barnaby Joyce and a group of hand-picked authentic working class types pissed enough to believe that the coalition has their best interests at heart. More beer may be required. * If this is Thursday and I have a disturbing feeling it is, I must be in another pub in northern Queensland with Barnaby Joyce who is our Deputy Minister except on Wednesdays and Thursdays when he is an International Freelance Beer Inspector. Yes no this one's all right, he told the barman, and I'll be ready to check the next one in just a second. I can only stay for an...

                                                                                  * Yes it's me, your editor-in-chief, taking over the reins to get this job done. A thousand apologies for that cock-up of a column from our intern. I guess it's true what they say - if you pay peanuts, you get people who eat the peanuts & then succumb to their nut allergies instead of working. So I'm taking over personally and I'll have you know I've dragged myself away from a killer winning streak at bitcoin blackjack just to be here. On with the blunt instrument trauma satire....                                                    *  PM Turnbull breakfast...

Welcome back again to the 2016 Election Campaign  Or should that be welcome and goodnight. Shock waves here in Canberra tonight after PM Malcolm Turnbull visited the Governor General to officially request a double dissolution of Parliament leading to an election on July 2, only to be soundly rebuffed. "Fuck off" he was told by Governor General Peter Cosgrove. "Fuck off. That's a really fucking stupid idea and I won't fucking go along with it. It's probably un-fucking-Australian  and I'll be fucked if I'll fucking well be part of it. Now fuck off and when you've done that fuck off some more you overprivileged buffoon. And take your fucking four hundred dollar haircut and your mink underpants with you". Which is hardly the way you'd expect a representative of the Queen to talk, unless of course you're representing a Queen who is 90 years old and it's Mothers Day and none of her bloody children have bothered to ring her. I mean...

Welcome back to the 2016 Election Countdown * So today we hit the campaign trail. And it hit back with tears and biscuits. What?  Yes. It's always tears and biscuits, said the slightly moist Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull after addressing a group of Girl Guides in Bankstown about the financial benefits of slavery, especially for the unemployable. They just looked at me blankly, complained a perplexed and clearly emotionally exhausted Prime Minister. I suggested this may be because he was talking complete bollocks and he called me a pixie-farting snapdragon before bursting into great heaving sobs and dashing off in a gold carriage drawn by eight white horses. * Treasurer Scott Morrison claimed that he was not yet a complete bastard, but hoped to become a complete bastard before Parliament first sits after the election. He went on to explain that the Budget needed to be thought of as a cricket test match rather than one of those one day things and that we could all better u...

Welcome to the 2016  Election Countdown. We live in exciting times. Perhaps as an antidote PM Malcolm Turnbull has launched us into a long and lumbering election campaign which will see us suffering political promising and posturing until July 2. I feel tired already. But we are made of stern stuff here at Alias Poor Yorick and we'll be with you everyday all the way to take the piss as the occasion arises. And if the occasion doesn't arise I can assure you we will poke it with a stick until it does. Every single day. We promise: If Sophie Mirabella threatens to kill and roast your children if she fails to get preselection, we'll be there. If Christopher Pyne puts on a Lone Ranger outfit and jumps up and down yelling "We're winning, we're winning. Hi Yo silver and away" before leaping onto Malcolm Turnbull's back and galloping away,we'll be there. If Bill Shorten makes a speech outlining the essential policy differences between Labour ...

                                                                            Or should that be 'are 14 coffees too many ?' Are we talking about a situation or a quantity or in fact a situation caused by a quantity or a quantity as a result of which the situation has evolved. Or is it an amount in which case 'is' would theoretically be correct but you have to ask yourself as you teeter between 13 and 14 coffees, is correct grammar the thing to be really worried about ? And really are we talking about an objective situation here ? Some of us can drink 14 or 15 coffees and barely notice it. Is 14 coffees too much for who ? Or is that whom ? and does it matter. Is it too much for you and does that as a result automatically mean it's too much for me ? And what exactly do we mean when we...

CRICKETER/SEX-GOD SHANE WARNE HIDES BEHIND LARGE TREE  FOR A QUIET FAG AND A BOOTY CALL During a recent appearance on "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here" Shane Warne told one of the other cast members that "Evolution" was obviously a load of crap because look there's a monkey over there and it hasn't evolved into anything. Clearly we are descended from aliens who visited our planet long ago. Our editorial team here at "ALIAS POOR YORICK" is always interested in this sort of high-powered fearless intellectual exploration, so we sent a reporter to interview Mr Warne. No, not the journalist on Facebook responsible for claiming that Mr Warne had been in a relationship with Elizabeth Taylor and she'd been horrible to his children. No. A proper reporter who does Real Estate profiles and stand-up comedy show reviews and everything. Mr Warne refused a formal interview. saying he "did not wish to be press-ganged into any misquotes or d...