WARNE'S WORLD

CRICKETER/SEX-GOD SHANE WARNE
HIDES BEHIND LARGE TREE
 FOR A QUIET FAG AND A BOOTY CALL

During a recent appearance on "I'm a Celebrity... Get Me Out of Here" Shane Warne told one of the other cast members that "Evolution" was obviously a load of crap because look there's a monkey over there and it hasn't evolved into anything. Clearly we are descended from aliens who visited our planet long ago. Our editorial team here at "ALIAS POOR YORICK" is always interested in this sort of high-powered fearless intellectual exploration, so we sent a reporter to interview Mr Warne. No, not the journalist on Facebook responsible for claiming that Mr Warne had been in a relationship with Elizabeth Taylor and she'd been horrible to his children. No. A proper reporter who does Real Estate profiles and stand-up comedy show reviews and everything. Mr Warne refused a formal interview. saying he "did not wish to be press-ganged into any misquotes or distortions by members of the fourth or even fifth estate", but was prepared to offer us this statement.

Hooray for us.

" I have been asked here to expand on my thoughts on evolutionary theory, which I am more than happy to do. If time allows I may move on to the meta-linguistic difficulties in St Anselm's Ontological Proof of God's Existence, and how to pick up chicks with these three simple tricks. Daylight Savings is another topic which weighs constantly on the mind. Do we have enough of it ? Is it costing us too much? Where can we get more ? But back that Gordian knot later. Monkeys. Did we descend from them ?  Did we fuck. Of course we bloody didn't. Think about it. I mean take my ex Liz  Please! God I'm hilarious. No but seriously, we may have had our differences but she's a great chick. Class all the way up to her arse. I can't see her hanging round with a guy who's basically a baboon's great grandson. We might all want to think about that. No look, what makes much more sense to me is that we were visited by really smart aliens about a hundred thousand years ago and some of them lost their GPS devices and got left behind on earth and we are basically all related to them. Think about it. It makes sense, you know it does. Texting. I love texting. Aliens must have invented texting, I mean it's just not the sort of thing a monkey would think of. And cricket. Are you trying to tell me that millions of years ago fish crawled up out of the sea, grew legs, eventually became monkeys and then formulated the philosophical intricacies of the inside leg break ? I don't think so. Aliens, mate, that's your answer.

 I have heard talk that some person called God may or may not have had a hand in the matter but I really couldn't say. I've played cricket all round the world and I've never met the bloke, not even in India. Anyway I reckon we can figure this out for ourselves. Especially if, like me, you are lucky enough to have a nimble mind. Clearly this came from aliens. It all makes sense."




Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Secret Diary of Gina Rinehart aged 58+3/4

Image
Dear Diary, Exhausted. Just plum tuckered out. People out there don't realise how tiring it is counting money. Especially when you've got as much as I do. And sometimes by the end of the day I've got quite a lot more than when I started, and then I have to count it all over again ! It's really hard ! And then yesterday I was up to 14 billion, 476 million and I got interrupted by a serf and I lost count. Pshaw ! Well of course I had him beheaded. You have to really. Otherwise they don't respect you. And I'm still gasping with shock over finding out about the minimum wage. Gosh gee whizz it's just awful. $606 is far far too much. And then imagine my further shock when I found out you have to pay them this every week !!!!! I thought it was just a one-off payment. We're doomed, I'm telling you this for nothing dear diary. If this sort of wanton behaviour carries on we'll end up with a world ruled by communists, cross-dressers, and giant heroi...
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING PART FIVE

Image
You've woken up feeling rested and refreshed. You have picked a great day to give up smoking. Congratulations. This is going rto be a piece of piss. Your lungs are already applauding. You make coffee and open up a copy of your new favourite magazine Bread & Circuses. There is a picture of Donald Trump entering the Republican Convention with God on one side of him and the asst treasurer of the American Nazi Party on the other. God is not pictured but obviously he's there. To look after Mr Trump. This is not good. Maybe you've picked a bad day to give up smoking. You turn on ABC Breakfast Television where they are promising to cut to their new American correspondent. It is Elmo from Sesame Street. ?You have picked a truly terrible day to give up smoking, but you're off to meet up with a bunch of friends for coffee and you've stupidly commited to giving up smoking today. You put on three pairs of sunglasses so you can do Lloyd Bridges in Flying High going "loo...
Read more

I AM ENIGMATIC & DIAPHANOUS

Image
  GOD AND UNNAMED ASSISTANT FIGURE  OUT WHERE IN YOUR FAVOURITE PARK TO PUT THE DOG SHIT Hello, God here. Yes. Again. You all know I like to keep these personal appearances to a minimum, but people keep calling. And yes I am omniscient so I should know better but the thing is I have no spam filter and when five fifteen yr old girls on the beach start screaming omigod omigod into their iPhones I immediately think they're having some sort of deep spiritual crisis which demands my presence or at least some sort of a sign and then I find that no, it's merely that One Direction are in town and have added a second concert or that Justin Bieber has discovered a third pubic hair and named it Ulysses. None of which has anything to do with me. You can trust me on that one. I'm not one to point the finger but that stuff is pretty much the work of the Horned One.  I am far too busy being enigmatic and diaphanous. Except on Tuesday afternoons when I make a special effort to b...
Read more