THE DEVIL. WHERE'S PRAVDA

My name is Rebekah and I cannot tell a lie. I have never told a lie. In fact I've only ever seen  a lie once and it was dark and I doubt I would recognize it again. So you see your Honour it will be unnecessary for me to swear on a bible here, I will simply speak the truth:

Yes I am Rebekah Brooks, flame-haired editortrix of the widely-respected Daily Scum Pig. And yes I am young and bright and beautiful. To that I plead guilty. Chortle chortle. Some people say I have no sense of humour and that is so untrue and unfair. I'm hilarious.

And truthful. Which makes it really really hurtful when I hear these terrible lies about me and Andy Coulson having an affair. Yes, we're good friends. We're great friends. And yes sometimes our genitals have found themselves in the same room at the same time without much in the way of clothing to get in our way and this has lead to some stonking great sex, but to call this an affair is absurd. Affairs are conducted in black and white and usually star people like Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant & have famous directors. Andy's just a very good mate and a bit of a shag monkey. And as for these repeated accusations of impropriety by myself and other members of my staff engaged in research, well I'm hurt. Very deeply hurt. I am holding back tears even as we speak. Look.

As I've always said to my staff , freelance investigators, and black ops people, it is vital that we act at all times above the law, by which of course I mean within the law but above it in the sense of having particularly high standards at least in a geographical sense vis-a-vis the law. We strive to be within the law always, or perhaps beside the law, or rather having the law beside us. I think that's the point. Yes. The law must, as far as our investigative activities are concerned, be beside the point. Well you know what I mean.

So your Honorific, you must understand that when any of us here at Complete Fascist Bastard Publications go about invading people's privacy, hacking their voice-mail accounts, and exposing them to public ridicule, we do so with the very best of motives, and guided by the highest possible ethical standards. Then I come along here and a bunch of little oiks are telling me that this stuff is illegal .... what ? It's what ? Really ?
Lord Murdoch isn't going to like this at all. Illegal you say. You think we should stop ?? DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM ..

Listen to me you little people.  Do not defy me ! I am Queen Rebekah, Empress Supreme of the Middle Kingdoms of Rupertia and I will not be thwarted ! Bow before your Queen !! Bow, you oiks !!!!

( TO BE CONTINUED)