GUILTY PRESSURES


CRAIG THOMPSON & BARRISTER GARY "SHADES'' JAMES Q.C 

Hello, I'm Craig Thompson. Unless otherwise advised by my attorney.So, am I guilty? Well I've been "found" guilty, but does that actually mean I'm guilty. I don't think so. It's such a subjective opinion when all's said and done. One man's opinion. And really it was a bunch of hookers and some porno films it's not like there was any actual illegal stuff going on. Okay the credit card fraud thing. Okay, that one man was a magistrate. Yeah yeah. Okay okay okay. You're right. No, yeah, no, right. I get your point.

Okay I'm guilty. Look I'll tell you what I'll do. How about I give all the money back. That's fair enough, eh ? I'll give back all the money and chuck in a couple of hundred for your trouble. Okay, a grand. I'll chuck in a grand on top and we'll say no more about it. Okay. I'll chuck in a grand and I'll be nice to some old people and children for a month. Okay ?

Now look you see whenever you people start talking about jail I start to feel very uneasy and a little bit depressed. I also feel a strong sense of impending injustice. I can't go to jail. It wouldn't be fair. Jail is, after all, for criminals. I'd be out of place. And did I mention depressed. What is it with you people ?  I mean I already got rid of one wife. The one who smoked too much. Is it blood you'll be wanting now ? I'm sorry, I seem to have become Irish. I've been under a lot of strain. Where was I ? Ah yes. Pleading. Not for me, but for my wife and children

"Hello, I'm Craig Thompson's wife and children. Please don't put him in jail. He's a good man. And he's really sorry"

Sorry ? Yes of course I am. Really sorry. I can't apologise enough. And in closing I'd like the following crimes to be taken into account. Yes. These a just a few of the heinous crimes against the law and humanity  that I have NOT been involved with: The Great Irish Famine, The Sino-Japanese War, The Great Train Robbery, The Valentines Day Massacre,  and the production of any or all Andre Rieu albums. Innocent in every instance. This must be worth something.

Finally. Yes I'm really really sorry. I don't know what I was thinking. So here's the deal - I pay back all the money, throw in a grand, be nice to children and old people for two months. I'll chuck in a .. no make that two super-deluxe meat packs, and a bottle of Grange with hardly any drunk out of it. Are we good ?

Please don't put me in jail. It will make me sad.

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