LATE BRAKING NEWS




 * Chaos on the set of the second series of MasterBastard tonight causes production shutdown. Reigning champion Tony "Lying Eyes"Abbott knighted two of the camera operators and gave a life peerage to the set designer. New contestant Attorney General George Brandis then called the standby props person a "stinky bum fart weasel" because that's what free speech is all about. Several of the other contestants burst out laughing and were unable to continue. Indignant Floor Manager Bronwyn "Be Bob A Lu Bop" Bishop immediately threw them out of  the studio, saying that this was totally unacceptable behaviour: "We've got people here doing their very best to be complete bastards and all you lot can do is laugh". Further outbursts of infectious laughter turned into disorder. Bishop then evicted the entire camera crew, the boom operator, a make-up person, several talent agents, and a guy called Terry who no-one can figure out what he does but it turns out he's the director. Production has been halted for approximately six weeks. Lachlan Murdoch has been hired to helm the rest of the series. Lachlan has not laughed since 1993 so we should be right there.

* Andrew Bolt is still a dickhead

* And finally in Late Braking News, Bitcoin billionaire and playboy blogger Jeff  Browett was today found guilty in the Melbourne Magistrates Court of excessive punning. He had been warned several times by authorities about exceeding safe environmental levels of punning. Charges were laid after he published a cartoon picturing a Nazi soldier threatening an anorexic woman with a chocolate cake. The caption read "Ve have ways of making you torte". Mr Browett apologised, saying he was in the grip of a terrible obsession and would seek help. He was sentenced to watch 40 hours of "Two & a Half Men". His lawyers have appealed against the severity of the sentence.



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Secret Diary of Gina Rinehart aged 58+3/4

Image
Dear Diary, Exhausted. Just plum tuckered out. People out there don't realise how tiring it is counting money. Especially when you've got as much as I do. And sometimes by the end of the day I've got quite a lot more than when I started, and then I have to count it all over again ! It's really hard ! And then yesterday I was up to 14 billion, 476 million and I got interrupted by a serf and I lost count. Pshaw ! Well of course I had him beheaded. You have to really. Otherwise they don't respect you. And I'm still gasping with shock over finding out about the minimum wage. Gosh gee whizz it's just awful. $606 is far far too much. And then imagine my further shock when I found out you have to pay them this every week !!!!! I thought it was just a one-off payment. We're doomed, I'm telling you this for nothing dear diary. If this sort of wanton behaviour carries on we'll end up with a world ruled by communists, cross-dressers, and giant heroi...
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING PART FIVE

Image
You've woken up feeling rested and refreshed. You have picked a great day to give up smoking. Congratulations. This is going rto be a piece of piss. Your lungs are already applauding. You make coffee and open up a copy of your new favourite magazine Bread & Circuses. There is a picture of Donald Trump entering the Republican Convention with God on one side of him and the asst treasurer of the American Nazi Party on the other. God is not pictured but obviously he's there. To look after Mr Trump. This is not good. Maybe you've picked a bad day to give up smoking. You turn on ABC Breakfast Television where they are promising to cut to their new American correspondent. It is Elmo from Sesame Street. ?You have picked a truly terrible day to give up smoking, but you're off to meet up with a bunch of friends for coffee and you've stupidly commited to giving up smoking today. You put on three pairs of sunglasses so you can do Lloyd Bridges in Flying High going "loo...
Read more

I AM ENIGMATIC & DIAPHANOUS

Image
  GOD AND UNNAMED ASSISTANT FIGURE  OUT WHERE IN YOUR FAVOURITE PARK TO PUT THE DOG SHIT Hello, God here. Yes. Again. You all know I like to keep these personal appearances to a minimum, but people keep calling. And yes I am omniscient so I should know better but the thing is I have no spam filter and when five fifteen yr old girls on the beach start screaming omigod omigod into their iPhones I immediately think they're having some sort of deep spiritual crisis which demands my presence or at least some sort of a sign and then I find that no, it's merely that One Direction are in town and have added a second concert or that Justin Bieber has discovered a third pubic hair and named it Ulysses. None of which has anything to do with me. You can trust me on that one. I'm not one to point the finger but that stuff is pretty much the work of the Horned One.  I am far too busy being enigmatic and diaphanous. Except on Tuesday afternoons when I make a special effort to b...
Read more