ALIAS POOR YORICK

From the desk of HRH Lord Sir Prince Philip, Earl of Grey, Duke of Course Dear Jillaroos, Jackaroos, Jigaboos, and Piccaninnies of Australia, Thank you so very much for this unexpected honour. You shouldn't have. No really, you shouldn't.  But I've always wanted one and it fits me and everything. Also, the colour suits me well. You beauts. You cobbers. Is that right ? Did I get that right ? I really should have consulted a young person like my son Charles, he knows your wonderful country better than I do. He spent some time there in a school in a tree hut or something. They told us it would be character-building. Made him drink his own urine. Or was that Bear Grylls - I always get those two confused. Now I won't say this wasn't something of a surprise, and I'm a bit sketchy on the details of why exactly I am being honoured in this way, but I'm told it has something to do with my efforts to protect your country during the Franco-Prussian War ...

Of course there are questions. There are always questions. Especially when you publish a wildly successful comedy blog full of satirical insights, compassion, and wisdom. Or even this one. Questions like ...  'Is this shit supposed to be funny?'  'Why is the sky blue?'  'I'm thinking about becoming gay, will I have to wear tight shiny shorts and dance all night in discos to Kylie Minogue songs?'  & 'What is metadata anyway?' The answers by the way are (a) yes (b) because it's composed entirely of blue atoms (c) only if you're a boy &  (d) you'll have to ask George Brandis about that. For the sake of the younger and more impressionable in our audience, you'll want to make sure you match up the right answer with the right question here, and for our overseas listeners I should explain George Brandis. But I can't. George says he is the Attorney General in the current government, but in fact he is the minister for looki...

Well come on now, it's a week into the new year and I haven't heard a whiff of your New Year's resolutions. I've made mine of course. Just the usual stuff - become a better bitcoin billionaire, lose a third of a kilo, improve my Greek, Latin, and High German, and learn Mandarin so I can understand at a deeper level the extremely tidy 13th Century Chinese poet Feng Shui. Finally, I have resolved to attain saint-like levels of patience, tolerance, and understanding. Honesty forces me to admit this last one took a tumble by Friday when I was forced to sack a junior writer after the grievously incorrect use of the future pluperfect in an article about farting. And perhaps ordering him to be tarred-and-feathered was a little extreme but this is grammar we're talking about. Okay, yes, and I know I promised I was going to stop making fun of  my older brother Tristan's emotional support Alpaca and it was good of him to travel all the way from New York to join us f...

P.M. REACTS TO POLLS SHOWING BLAKE FROM "THE BACHELOR"  AHEAD OF HIM AS PREFERRED PRIME MINISTER   Do not be disturbed by my increasingly reptilian appearance. It's just a trick of the light. And I was having a bad hair day. In fact a number of bad hair days. I cannot in all honesty say I have had a good hair day since October 24th 1973, and I'm not even positive about that as I recall coming second in a boxing match in the morning and may be mistaken about the good hair day thing.  Nor should you pay any attention to those crackpot theories about earth being invaded by a race of super-intelligent alien reptiles who have disguised themselves as world leaders and taken control. I promise you there is no truth whatsoever in such rumours. And I would never lie to you. As such. I hate my life right now. you've got no idea what's it's like. I keep having this terrible dream where I'm in Parliament and I call Bill Shorten the Prime minister. What ? ...

DR BRICKLAW CURMUDGEON, UNICORN EXPERT Welcome to part two of "How the Unicorn Became Extinct". If you haven't read part one, I suggest you do so immediately. It's not compulsory of course, but if you don't then I'm going to have to produce a snappy, coherent summary of the narrative arc so far, and quite frankly I'm just a tad exhausted from chasing down that unreliable bastard Atticus Finch.  I don't know, you try to support writers, I pay him good money, and he can't finish the job. A deadline's a deadline. He promised me Part Two by the end of the day, first thing tomorrow at the latest. Then by lunchtime at the very very latest.  I'm not saying he's a lying unreliable alcoholic swine but I start getting these texts:    Toe bitten off by rabid Pekingese/Pomeranian Cross. In hospital for shots and toe transplant. Need an extra four hours to finish.    Trapped in Woolworths car park for three hours by psychotic womba...

Special Guest Author ATTICUS FINCH Everyone knows that animals can count. What is less well known is that they are really sloppy about it. It tends to go 4,5,6......lots. Which is okay I guess. If a lion asks another lion how many antelope there are over there and the answer is 'lots', it doesn't matter much if there's eleven antelope or sixteen, because 'lots' means lunch is here. Likewise, if an antelope asks another antelope how many lions there are over there and the first antelope says "lots", it doesn't matter whether there's twelve or twenty lions because really we are in deep shit. Unicorns were at the time a prized delicacy and demand was fierce. Occasionally a worried lion would ask just how many unicorn were left, and of course the answer was always "lots". A group of lions grew concerned when it became obvious to them that the "lots"of unicorn were considerable smaller than the "lots"of the previ...

PRIME MINISTER TONY ABBOTT Hello Blokes, Diggers, and Cobbers of Australia. It is my very great privilege as Prime Minister of this very great country to have a bit of a natter with you this evening. A bit of a chat in plain lingo you can all understand. Because plain speaking is what we in this government are all about. And there are things, stone the flaming crows mate, you need to be told. I think I should start by reminding you that in the first year of this government wombat-related deaths are at an all time low, hippopotamus-related deaths have virtually disappeared, and as a result of this government's  bold decision to ban climate change we have saved billions of dollars of spending on climate change-related measures. Now, onto matters of international importance. Putin the blame where blame belongs. Laugh laugh. Did you see what I did there ? Bit of a pun. Bit of a joke. People say I have no sense of humour. They are wrong. I write most of Joe Hockey's dialo...