ALIAS POOR YORICK

JE SUIS UN GURU What makes me a guru ? Is it the shiny blue jacket, or the hair with its own gym membership ?  Yes. That's all you need people. I got 'em. And I got the wisdom. Of course this is not, in and of itself, enough to make one a guru. You have to believe. I first realised I had what it takes when my father took me out into backyard one night and pointed at the night sky. "Son", he said to me "If Gabriel had learnt the violin, the walls of Jericho would still be standing". I remember thinking what a load of complete bullshit that was, but it sounded good.  I thought "I could do this. I could talk crap just like that". I was on my way. Dad patted me on the shoulder and said "Always remember son, never take a spoon to a knife-fight". Brilliant. And at the same time total bollocks. Bring it on.  I was only eleven year old, but I found a couple of friends and told them : If at first you don't succeed, blame it on a poorly-...

  If you've been paying attention, yes, this is a repost. But I can claim it as new because I fixed a spelling mistake. And added this photo. Which I've only used once before. Besides it's creeping up on Christmas and the sentiments here are timeless, universal, and largely based on greed. Perfect. This year, why not give the gift that puzzles: ALIAS POOR YORICK here at http://www.funnycomedyjokes.blogspot.com/ Yes, it's ALIAS POOR YORICK the comedy blog that's so good, from next year we're calling it a comedy blogue. ALIAS POOR YORICK is guaranteed to cure dyspepsia, dyslexia, and dystopia. It will make you taller, better-looking, and 23% more capable of understanding French, Italian and in fact most of the romance languages.ALIAS POOR YORICK is guaranteed to save marriages, businesses, and some small countries from ruin. It will make most small cars run better, and make large cars feel less guilty about their carbon footprint. Your children will perf...

As CEO of Obscene Profits International I have to tell you we have not had the best of years. I will list in some detail the people and forces which have prevented us from achieving even more obscene profits for Obscene Profits this year. None of this is our fault. Please finish your dolphin fin soup and unicorn liver pate while I explain who's really to blame. Basically it's about the cost of doing business in Australia. I'm sure that abolishing slavery had some glitzy superficial political appeal, but really it's buggered things for the business sector. People who are just trying to make an honest living. And us as well. But let's move on. Now it's easy, in times of economic uncertainty, to blame to government of the day. So let's start there. PM Julia Gilliard is a witch. A bona fide follower of Satan. I know this to be true because my very good friends at the Barely-Disguised Fascist Bastard Institute of Correct Thinking have confirmed this for ...

Kids these days. I was talking to my young nephew who tells me he's going to try sky-diving. Been having lessons. Lessons ? What the hell for ? He tells me for a start you learn how to fold your parachute. Parachute ??  Pathetic little pansies. In my day you just leaped out of a plane and hoped for the best. Try to find a nice haystack or a pond or something. We're raising a whole bloody generation wrapped in cotton wool. It'll end badly. We need to toughen these kids up.  40kph speed zones outside schools ? Horseshit. How do we expect to raise the next generation of Olympic sprinters if we're not giving them some incentive ? In my day we had no speed limits at all. And there were snipers. Well, okay, not snipers as such, just the local hoons armed with bren guns and flagons of cream sherry, but they still potted a few of us. Which did us no bloody harm at all. Sometimes we just wagged school and got mauled by lions instead. And let me tell you, that's a real ...

 H.G.WELLS DISCUSSES THE ZOMBIE PROBLEM WITH "ALIAS POOR YORICK" STAFFERS  We live in troubling times. So much to worry about : the high value of the Australian dollar causing inflationary pressure, a general erosion of moral values, and of course the Zombie Apocalypse. We've assigned a special team here at the ALIAS POOR YORICK to work closely with our Ferret masters to bring you the best strategies to deal with a Zombie Apocalypse in your area. Probably the first thing to remember is Don't Panic. A Zombie Apocalypse is not the end of the world. Necessarily. Not always. Just stay calm and consider all your options. One of which should probably be to get guns. Buy a lot of guns. Big guns. Before taking action, ensure that you are in fact suffering from an imminent Zombie Apocalypse. You may perhaps have simply stumbled into a Young Liberals fund-raising dinner, or a workshop for the tragically overacting-afflicted community acting fraternity. F...

Is this what we can expect in our own country when rule by ferrets makes its full impact ? Well, yes. And a damn good thing too, in my humble opinion. You will note from this colourful and confusing photo that all nuclear weapons have been eliminated, and replaced with sticks. And little bell things on people's ankles. Part poetry reading, part Zumba class, what's happening here is essentially a military exercise designed to dissuade would-be invaders from entering the country by convincing them that its inhabitants are really quite mad. The red garments are known as the Aprons of War, and symbolize that should invaders get insistent about it, they'd actually be welcomed & cooked a fine meal. Possibly something involving garlic and chorizo. The poetry, chanted loudly to the beat of banged sticks, harks back to a simpler time when rabbiting and ballroom dancing were recognised Olympic events.   Before you sneer, it is worth noting that Ferreteria has never in its en...

 So my show is called 'THIS TOWEL GUIDE DETERMINES THE LENGTH OF LOOP NECESSARY FOR THE EFFICIENTS AND SAFE OPERATION OF THIS CABINET: IT MUST NOT BE REMOVED'. I did want to call it 'FRANZ KAFKA AND THE FIRE-BREATHING ROBOT CHICKENS' but Tremont and Tarquin had already snaffled that for their show about psychiatric breakdowns among hipsters who are fatally conflicted about what sort of beards they should wear. Don't laugh, a friend of mine grew his beard for a whole year, then shaved it off two weeks before bush ranger beards came in. He threw himself in front of a train. I hate to think what would have happened if it had been moving. But back to my show. So. Look obviously it's a comedy. That's what I do. It's heart and spine of my theatre practice. And maybe the kidneys and pancreas as well. And of course the lungs. I mean I just breathe comedy. I can't help it. But I just so wanted to do more exciting and substantive than just entertain. ...