ALIAS POOR YORICK

Fuchsia, Arpeggio ... come here immediately. I'm appalled. I ask you two to plate up and you barely even show up. Not in any real culinary sense. What is this ? Huh ? What is it supposed to be ? Call this zabaglione ? This is rubbish. This lacks spiritual and structural integrity, and metaphysically it's just a mess. Zabaglione should taste like the sweat off an angel's neck. This ..... Unspeakable. I'm sorry but you'll both have to go. Pack your bags  and get out. FUCHSIA & ARPEGGIO:  But Daddy, we're only eight years old Eight ? Don't make this any worse. Young Cordelia Smith-Jones. Perfect profiteroles. What is she ? Six ? Can barely pronounce profiteroles, but she shows up and she plates up. Like a proper child. Go on, get out ! FUCHSIA & ARPEGGIO:  But Daddy ... After everything we've done . I could weep. Your mother and I took you to elBulli in utero. You'd both eaten $900 worth of squid-ink ice-cream before you were born.  Now

Happy days; Dr Geoff "Hepcat" Edelstein has found our email address on the back of an old Gucci wrapper & sends this thought - If you still think money can't buy happiness, you're just not shopping at the right place What can we say. Conspicuous consumption, my friends, is not for the faint-of-heart or the feeble-minded. Okay. Well. It's not for the faint-of-heart.

Now if I can be perfectly honest about this ( there's nothing like a change) I love a good weasel word myself. Frankness is a laudable quality in communication, but it can get messy. And you know that's going to happen when someone says "Don't take this the wrong way, but .. " There's the first clue. Nothing good ever comes after "but". ..I love you madly but I've been having sex with your sister & her friend Gunther. And their goat . Who, by the way, is very fond of you and feels intensely guilty about the whole thing. As do I. Well maybe not intensely, but definitely guilty. For sure. Should I shut up now? Okay. Yes . What are you doing with that knife ? But back to "Don't take this the wrong way...."  Here's a thought : put it a different way. "Don't take this the wrong way ... leads to "I've always loathed you, your children are ugly and stupid. and your wife is the spawn of Satan"  And I alwa

I say, I say, I say ... Who was that lady I saw you with last night ? That was no lady, that was a friend of mine called Gunther who's decided to live his life as a woman. He's going through a particularly difficult gender-reassignment & I was offering him a shoulder to cry on. We went down to the Elephant & Hearing Aid and heard about  about this really good support group. Now we're both addicted to spiced-apple chai, and I still haven't found how to get mascara stains off the shoulder of my shirt.

              I'm a man of small ambitions: I'd like to see a Persian carpet shop have a 'closing down' sale, and then actually close. I'd like to see America admit that the real reason it's in Afghanistan is because "it looked funny at them" in the pub. I'd like to see the PM, faced with an awkward question during a TV interview, just go "Look ! A giraffe !" and run away Friends, work with me;  we can make this happen. Legislation. Whatever it takes. Let's make ourselves a promise that by 2020 no child need ever have to say "That's my Dad over there. The white guy with dreadlocks" I want a t-shirt that reads "Fountaingate: where the weak are killed and eaten" I want to see music writers required to sign an agreement that they will never refer to a band as having "visceral intensity" when what they mean is the band plays really f-----g loud. I'd like to see increased respect for the

We are in the back bar of the Elephant & Hearing Aid where Moses is drinking gimlets with an Australian film producer while they discuss plans to film an all-new version of the Ten Commandments. And yes we know for a fact that Moses drinks gimlets because we looked it up. No, silly, not the Bible. Wikipedia. Moses is becoming frustrated because the producer is insisting that ten commandments is way too many and is going to slow down the action. He thinks five is plenty. And "commandments" is a bit control-freak. Couldn't they be like you know .. "directions" ? Moses insists no, that's it. There's Ten Commandments. End of story. The producer stamps his foot and says "Look, it's not like this is all carved in stone, is it" Moses starts laughing and the producer retreats to the bar for more drinks. We zoom in on Moses phone as he texts: God you old bastard. You invented irony without telling me. LOL. Moses

An Irishman, an Australian, and an Englishman walk into the front bar of the Elephant & Hearing Aid. The barman asks them what they want to drink and the Irishman says "You know I'm really sick of all this racial stereotyping". The Englishman agrees and the Australian says "And you know what else, I don't even know why we're in the pub again: I'm getting worried about how much I drink" . So they all go to a nearby bistro and enjoy a nice spiced apple chai. The barman turns up and complains that he was there at the beginning of the joke but now he has nothing to do. The four men decide to form a support group and develop an interactive theatre piece referencing their search for identity as individuals and as a collective & to try an find a punchline for the joke. They apply for an Australia Council grant to stage the production and the vote is swayed in their favour when the Englishman says "And one of us could be a trans-gender pole

Oscar Wilde was once forced to approach Dame Nellie Melba on a Paris street and say "Madam I am about to do something terrible - I'm going to ask you for money"  Well relax friends because we wouldn't do anything as embarrassing as that. Just as pushy but. The team here at ALIAS POOR YORICK simply ask that you pass on the blog link to one friend. Or, if you feel like going totally ape-shit crazy, two friends. We suggest a simple endorsement like "This is the funniest thing you'll ever read and it will change your life and the lives of all your loved ones" Thanks. We appreciate your help. And while we're here - a big welcome to readers in Slovenia, Singapore, Sudan, and Suriname. We love to be joined by people from countries that begin with "S". All that sibilance is so soothing.  So long & see you soon.

The Editor Dear Sir/Madam/Don't Oppress Me With Your Outdated Honorifics "Stifle the robots me old coffee cup, here come the janets" . Does anyone else miss The Bill ? God I do. It's bad enough having to endure the quotidian horrors of summer television viewing if you can call it that ! But now this. Why has no-one else noticed? Am I the only little Dutch boy keeping one eye on the dyke ?  "The Bill" is cancelled. Now, a matter of mere months later, Australia is flooded. Coincidence ? I think not. Come on ABC, do something about this please !!  Stop trying to distract us with your programming staples of sex & drugs & folderol. It's simply not good enough. Also. No, perhaps not. And as a wise man once said "Children should be seen and not stapled to the wall" Yours in consternation Commodore "Three Times a Lady" Winslow Ankle (RN Ret) Beaumaris

Chairman Mao once said that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single egg. I wish I could think of snappy revolutionary rhetoric like that. Of course on reflection I may have misheard . We had Glen Miller cranked up pretty loud at the time, and my hearing's not what it could be and Gene Krupa was tearing it up big time. And I've always wondered about the absence of other words which usually travel in a posse with 'egg': like toast & coffee & orange juice. But look Mr Zedong was running a fairly substantial revolution at the time and I didn't like to question him ... still ....  Anyway, to the business at hand: No look I'm sorry you just can't have "extreme muesli". It's just silly. I'm sure you can see why. We have no wish to name and shame. You know who you are. Just stop it now. I mean can't you see if we let you have "extreme muesli" it opens the floodgates. Next it's "extreme chess" or  .

What a terrifying concept, implying as it does that everything else here at ALIAS POOR YORICK is clear & coherent & somehow imbued with purpose. You may care to go make a cup of tea and read the sports section while this is going on. If you're staying, please don the appropriate safety gear and sign the OH&S waiver. Remember that you're dealing with people who drive round all day happily entertaining thoughts like  "..if you didn't want me to back into your Porsche, why did you park it there ?" and " I think I'll start up a law firm so I can call it Corpuscle, Thripp & Medici" And while we're on the subject, how come people with Tourettes never jump up and yell "credenza" or "parchment" from the middle of a crowded room ?  If you're anything like me you're probably on the lookout for the sort of  "once-in-a-lifetime" opportunity  that doesn't come along every day. That's right, we&

And we would like to remind you that all comedy in ALIAS POOR YORICK is Artisan comedy. Nothing mass-produced, nothing artificial, and never tested on animals. Free from lactose, gluten, and jokes about Paris Hilton, this Blogue is written entirely under natural light by resentment-free writers living in mud brick houses near  a babbling brook in the Dandenongs. They are in essence free-range writers, many of whom have never known the pain of watching or writing for 'Two & a Half Men'. We were fortunate over the holiday season to be visited by Zen master and Pan-Pacific Tap-Dancing champion, Elvis Macgregor Cohen II, who was able to take us through a number of guided meditations. The aim of these is to uncover and embrace the Ten Absolute Truths. We are honoured to share these with you: 1. Forty percent of all the barmy people in the world retire to live in Beaumaris, where they write letters to the Editor. TV & Radio are favoured topics. 2. Even when you have the

We've gone crazy ! Join us now !  All-new ridiculous low prices. Become a Comediologist. Be funny. Get Respect and Power. Get rich and live forever !!! THIS WEEK ONLY :     Become a totally advanced spiritually superior operating Clown for only $15000 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Become a totally advanced spiritually superior operating Clown with your own talk-show for only $50000 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We've gone crazy, we've gone mad ! At these prices you'll be laughing at us ! Act now !!!  Offer only available as long as credibility lasts !!! Quick !! People are waiting to laugh at you !!

Dear TV Guide, Everything on television is too loud and too bright. Please fix this. I like Richard Morecroft. What on earth does the ABC think it's doing ? And another thing. Also, please bring back Kevin Rudd as Prime Minister. He has a nice voice. Come on Channel 10 ! Everything was better on the radio. I like cheese. Winslow Ankle (RN Ret) Beaumaris

Friend, if you have half a mind to join the Church of Comediology you're just the person we're looking for. Comediology is a super-advanced religion that makes you these simple, solemn promises:  join us, and you will become really really funny, get lots of sex, rule the world, and live forever. Great, huh ? How does it work ?     It's simple: the more you give us money, the more we make you funny ! Wow ! Where did Comediology come from ?    It came from God, silly. It's a religion. It's basic tenets were revealed to our founder L. Jeff Cupboard late one Tuesday afternoon, as all major religions have been ( It's true - check Wikipedia ) Of course. Tell me more   At the time of the Revealation, L. Jeff Cupboard was a struggling writer/shepherd/underwear model who had just published a book called  "CREATIFY NEW WORDS & IMPRAZE PEOPLE ( HEY IT WORKED FOR SHAKESPEARE)"  And no, it's not his real name. His real name is L.Jeff Wardrobe. Ward

I promise that no matter what, I will get my new year's resolutions written on time