ALIAS POOR YORICK

 ........ did he say a moment's silence or a minute's silence ?  I can't remember, God I hate these things  .. I need some really solemn respectful thoughts. We're remembering this woman .. you know .. whatsername .. it doesn't matter if I didn't know her. No man is an island; do not ask for whom the bell tolls, just google Ernest Hemingway .. what ? ... you'd think I could just concentrate on this person for just a  .. I wonder who gets to name cars, that'd be a good job. I could do that. A Toyota Hypochondria .. Would you actually be driving one, or would you just think you were? I'm going to open my eyes for a second. Hah. Caught you. You don't have to look embarrassed I mean  it's not a rule. Or is it ?  Why don't Volkswagen make a "Nuremberg". Best ever name for a rally car. I'm bad. I'm going to hell . There's no hell. Yes there is, and all they do all day is play back-to-back episodes of Junior MasterChef. And...

1.  Ferrets are incredibly vain and will, especially at this time of year, spend upwards of $500 on fancy hairstyles involving bows, jewellery, and ornaments carved out of dried rabbit dung 2. Ferrets mistakenly believe they are excellent dancers 3. Ferrets played a vital role in WW Two: a German-speaking ferret met secretly with Hitler & was instrumental in persuading him to attack Russia, opening up the war on two fronts & fatally weakening the Axis war effort. 4. Ferrets feel no personal animosity towards rabbits - it's purely business 5. Ferrets love to visit fun-fairs and look at themselves in those distorting mirrors shouting "Look at me I'm an otter" 6. Shakespeare paid a ferret named Guillaume forty-seven guineas to write "Titus Andronicus" when he was a bit pushed for time 7. Asked to chose between "glass half full" and "glass half empty" most ferrets will simply suggest filling the glass up 8. Ferrets belie...

This post brought to you by Jim's Fixing-That-Annoying-Squeak-Behind-The-Dashboard-Of-Your-Two-Yr-Old-Car  (FRANCHISES AVAILABLE)   & Jim's Afghanistan Black Ops ( FRANCHISES AVAILABLE .. Just hang around the public bar of The Elephant & Hearing Aid looking dodgy - we'll be in touch ) THE STORY SO FAR:                      COMEDY UNAVAILABLE AT THIS TIME   Please check later                                               We have the final part of an encoded cable from ALIAS POOR YORICK CEO Jeff Browett which reads Cancel Christmas parody post. Christmas over and done. Keep Mr Yorick away from the espresso machine and run the...

The story so far: Evil blogging genius Jeff Browett has learjetted off on holiday to a top-secret location in the Bahamas where he plans to spend his summer in a computer-lined cave laughing maniacally while explaining in complete detail his plans for world domination to his nemesis. Or a nemesis. Or pretty much anyone. A bloke from the temping agency, whatever. It's the holidays - you take what you can get. Taking with him his wife, a swag of sourdough bread recipes, and the office laptop (the one with Jokecheck), he has left Duty Editor Paul Yorick in charge of the office & more importantly - writing the obligatory Christmas parody based either on Dicken's A Christmas Carol, The Grinch Who stole Xmas, or if you feel up to getting seriously weird on it, Citizen Kane. One of the less traditional Christmas fables. Mr Yorick is struggling .. " Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a particle physicist ...

But first an apology. We deeply regret the tone of the previous post "Christmas Presence". We are not in the business of badgering our readers. The piece was written by Mr Paul Yorick who tells me he had been under a great deal of pressure and had finally found a barista who would sell him a triple-shot latte along with a triple-chocolate brownie. He tells me he deeply regrets the outburst & has agreed to intensive counselling and several guided-meditation sessions. He is currently resting under mild sedation and has been temporarily demoted to Duty Editor. I think there's a lesson in this for all of us. Mr Yorick also omitted to post this sms we received from German reader Frdrch ("Vowels are for the weak") Ntzsch :   "That which does not destroy me makes me think about taking out full hospital cover with Medicare Private" But on to more pressing matters. I have received a visit from the Klingon cultural attache, General Harsh Guttural Sound, ...

As we warned you, occasionally news of an actual factual type will sneak in. Here's todays. In Chicago there's an all-Klingon theatrical version of a Christmas Carol playing even as we speak. In itself impressive enough, but it seems it's their fourth season. Brilliant. I don't know where they found the actors. As you all know, Klingons are not known for their thespian prowess. No Klingon has ever won an academy award. So it's hats off to our friends in Chicago. Apparently some changes have been made to the story. Tiny Tim's final blessing "God bless us everyone" translates to "May the blood of your enemies flow down in a joyful torrent for seven lifetimes" I would wrap this up with a few well-chosen Christmas thoughts in Klingon, but I'm here at a public facility where they have no Klingon Translator on the toolbar. Dear God I am among savages ! So until I can get home, Merry Xmas & may the blood of your enemies flow in a joyfu...

PUBLISHING MOGUL IN PAINTING FRAUD CEO of blogging empire ALIAS POOR YORICK, Jeff Browett, admitted to a friend in an encrypted phone call that he had promised to paint the house this summer but really couldn't be rooted and would spend the time at the beach instead. His wife was not shocked. This post bought to you by JIM'S TALIBAN IMPERSONATORS ( Franchises available)

Exciting news for discerning viewers as Ch Nine starts up its 9YouEffingLittleBeauty summertime boys-own channel. Yes it's Two & a Half Men 24/7 and in 3D. Pass me the VB, bloke. But first, our competition winner Mr B. Brecht of Upper Plenty who sent in... "He who laughs last is most likely to be detained for psychiatric evaluation" Mr Brecht's entry ties with that of Mr Kurt Weill of Melton who sent in his favourite actual newspaper headline of the year: LESBIAN SEX FEUD STOPS BRADY BUNCH REUNION More exciting news for summertime tv viewers. Ch 10 presents: MasterRaceChef Ve have ways of making you torte IMPORTANT EDITORIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:   This truly terrible joke was written by our Editor-at-Large, Mr Paul Yorick and is the sort of thing that could only happen during the holiday season when we are short-staffed and rushed off our feet. It does not necessarily reflect what we laughingly refer to as the editorial policy of this publication. Mr Yor...

GEO-POLITICAL SHOCK Earth not perfectly round. Slightly flat at poles.

PREDICTION SHOCK NOT PREDICTED Secret cables from Nostradamus to his friend Jim reveal   " .. basically I just made up all this shit ..."

CORPORATE SHOCK Darren Smith-Jones in IT . Madison in Accounts thinks you're a bit of a wanker

Wiki. Kiwi. A simple anagram, or a deeply shocking coincidence ? I'm just asking the question. We need to look at these things.And is it simply a coincidence or something far more sinister that Julian Assange is an anagram of  Ian Jus-Lasagne ? I'm just asking the question... But first. More shocks. Yes, even more. TransTasman relations in tatters as latest Wikileaks reveal Foreign Minister K. Rudd's deep-seated hatred of NZ. In cables to the PM he begs for permission to attack our nearest neighbour, explaining that while NZ had  done nothing specific to offend Australia ... " they just sort of shit me big time with their tuneful voices and infectious melodies and their unwooded semillion and their big girls blouse 100% virgin wool no-nuke approach to international diplomacy and if you ask me Flight of the Concordes are  bit overrated ... " Good. Just so long as there's nothing irrational going on here. But wait, there's more ... Confidential email...

Which is in fact the name of another post but we'll just have to battle on as best we can. Do you have your passports and a change of clothing ? Good, because it's time for Word of the Week, and there may be some travelling involved. Let me take you back to that moment, that strange mix of shock and surprise when you  found out that the Rev Chuck Swindle is a real person (he is). And so is Romeo Geronimo. Defining moments in a person's life. Or is it just me .. ? Anyway. There I was thumping through our copy of the huge kill-a-burglar edition of Websters in search of answers to cryptic clues. As you do. And there it was - our word of the week .... BOIS DURCI And no, Bois Durci is not the new drivetime host on Nova, although that's a great guess. And not a bad idea. But it's actually an artificial hardwood made from hardwood sawdust and blood. Which means that at some point in history someone, maybe a french person, was sitting there with a bucket of blood a...

All right, who stole November 31st? If the boy who stole November 31st will just put it back there'll be no further action. Fengshui I don't want to jump to conclusions but I remember you once stole July 4th because your family have always maintained America won the War of Independence by "cheating" ... what's that ? Fengshui's been absent this past week  ? Won't sit at a desk right by the door ? Okay. Look I'm going to turn off the lights for one minute and if the person who stole November 31st simply takes advantage of the oppor .. what ? Really ? All right then welcome to December 1st. "December" of course comes from the Latin "Decembere" which roughly translates as " to be in a state of disbelief that Christmas is virtually only three weeks away" If you'll excuse me, I've been called away to be something sensible. I'll be back as soon as plausible. And people, if you have no other choice, have a Nick ...

Already staggered by Wikileak revelations that America finds Prince Andrew a bit of a dick, Buckingham Palace is braced for further shocks when Wikileaks reveals that Prince Phillip is also a bit of a dick, Prince Charles is a bit eccentric, and that the Queen is tired and a bit over the whole being-a-queen-thing. Oh, and that no-one can remember the name of her youngest son. You know, the really badly balding one. Well when I say no-one, I actually mean no-one in our office. Well actually when I say no-one in our office, I really mean me. Go on, what the hell's his name. Prince ... ????? In further news, Big Ted has been officially elected Emperor of All Victoria. We would never stoop to jokes about possible cabinet positions for Jemima and little Ted. Never. It's just not our style. Standby for further Wikileaks shocks:  Kevin Rudd still a bit pissed off with Julia Gillard. Earth is round. Today is Tuesday. I've run out of jokes. Have a pleasant and Henry Mancini ...

BUT FIRST: We apologise to our international subscribers, but there's some sort of election going on in this part of Australia even as we speak, and we've been forced to accept money (or rather a triple scoop boysenberry dream) to run this paid party political broadcast. Having said that we'd like to point out that the staff and proprietors of FCJ/Alias Poor Yorick like totally endorse... THE INNOCENT PARTY Votes for us. It's not too late, you've still got a couple of hours. Why ? Because none of this shit is our fault. We weren't there, we didn't do it, you can't prove a thing. The Innocent Party : There's only one verdict Look there's bugger all choice. You've got two parties whose major argument revolves around who'll get to pick the band for the Melbourne Grammar School Reunion dance, and the other party with pretty nice people not all of whom ride bicycles .Why not let us have a go at stuffing it up. The Innocent Party : we ha...

I'd like to assure you that following current OH&S practise, all our staff while writing in public wear approved high-visibility clothing and safety-thongs. Furthermore, all staff have advanced level training in first-aid procedures for 'ice-cream headache' DISCLOSURE: Today's blogging has been bought to you by the New Zealand Natural Ice-Cream Company & Jim's Ontological Enquiries (Franchises available)

No I don't want a job as chief sub-editor on a English tabloid but thanks for the thought. More news about the exorcism. We've stocked up on holy water, Buddhist prayer flags and american dollars. This is no time for being narrow and uni-denominational. Start monday. Our exorcism facilitator Big Ed "Xylophone" McNally is spending the weekend getting spiritually fit & we've moved the office temporarily. Found a space at Eastland just over from New Zealand Natural Icecream. If some of this sounds a bit wild, blame the boysenberry dream. We've left our Editor-at-Large, Mr Paul Yorick in charge of head office. He's got the keys and instructions not to over-feed the cat. Or the ferrets. More lies from the internet cafe. There's man on a computer near me on the grown-up RSVP site, YES PLEASE I'D LIKE A ROOT and he's typing in his description. Ladies, here's a hint: the only person who looks like a "slightly older" George Clooney i...

We regret the rude interruption to services from FCJ/Alias Poor Yorick, but we have been possessed by evil spirits and urgently require a medium-size exorcism. We've been invaded by bad trojan thingies scarier even than the flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz or Geoffrey Edelstein's hair. As a result all attempts to log on result in us being diverted to weird English search engines and porn sites. We wouldn't mind so much but you know those English porn sites - it's all businessman in high heels and black pudding and farm animals and model helicopters. We don't know about you, but here at FCJ/Alias Poor Yorick  we have zero tolerance for the sexual exploitation of model helicopters. In the meantime, good news. In the first three weeks of operation, readership has soared three hundred percent. However we can categorically deny rumours we've been offered a $15 mil buyout by Facebook. This simply is not true. Looks nice though, doesn't it

  I'll never forget that day my grandfather leaned over & said to me:  Never ever take a spoon to a knife fight

  Mary had a little lamb, she kept it in a bucket.   & every time the lamb got out the dog would try to ... Ah there you are, I'm sorry I didn't hear you come in ... look, a giraffe .. Right, no .. just scribbling. No .. poetry actually  ...Always scribbling. But let's move on to tonight's meditation, which is .. Would Jesus drive a Nissan Micra ? And the answer, quite unequivocally, is no. No he wouldn't. God did not send his only son to earth to drive a shit car. And the colours are shocking. I'm pretty sure there's kosher laws which strongly suggest nobody should even be around colours like that. Especially that shade they could only have got by electroplating an oyster. However, should Jesus find himself having one of his famous hillside chats with a bunch of people who had no way of getting home, I'm sure he'd have no problem taking five Micras and three of those stupid Harley-wannabe motorcycles and turning them into a fleet of buse...

Goodgle keywords ? I have no idea what you're talking about. But first, congratulations to Tarquin Dogbadger of Upper Lower West for his winning entry in our inaugural  BYO Guru competition : "Power corrupts, absolute power means having to do just under a billion personal performance reports every year" &  an honourable mention to Mrs Bernard Lycra of Perth for: "If at first you don't succeed, blame the Greens for directing their preferences to the wrong party"

    VIC RHODES REJECTS CLAIMS HE IS DEAD. MUTTERS STUFF ABOUT MARK TWAIN STEALING IDEA FROM HIM. DETAILS TO FOLLOW

Ah, there you are. Sorry I had to pop out for a moment, but we were running low on pickled antelope forelocks. Now about this blog, currently known as ALIAS POOR YORICK.  Someone told me we should have an editorial policy. I've checked with accounting and they tell me we can  afford an espresso machine, or an editorial policy, but not both. Here's your coffee. SEVERAL REJECTED NAMES FOR THIS BLOG: *  The Secret Diary of Jeff Browett aged 56 1/2 *  Does My Ego Look Big in This ? *  Vlad the Inhaler *  Vic Plato and the Teenage Jesus Impersonators *   The Hipster-Douche Gazette But of course while unable to afford an editorial policy we've been able to cobble together an editorial stance. Or possibly an editorial attitude. Or a platform. And two of the central planks of this platform are: Started with nothing, and I've still got most of it left & It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and there's never enough dog to go around...