ALIAS POOR YORICK

 H.G.WELLS DISCUSSES THE ZOMBIE PROBLEM WITH "ALIAS POOR YORICK" STAFFERS  We live in troubling times. So much to worry about : the high value of the Australian dollar causing inflationary pressure, a general erosion of moral values, and of course the Zombie Apocalypse. We've assigned a special team here at the ALIAS POOR YORICK to work closely with our Ferret masters to bring you the best strategies to deal with a Zombie Apocalypse in your area. Probably the first thing to remember is Don't Panic. A Zombie Apocalypse is not the end of the world. Necessarily. Not always. Just stay calm and consider all your options. One of which should probably be to get guns. Buy a lot of guns. Big guns. Before taking action, ensure that you are in fact suffering from an imminent Zombie Apocalypse. You may perhaps have simply stumbled into a Young Liberals fund-raising dinner, or a workshop for the tragically overacting-afflicted community acting fraternity. F...

Is this what we can expect in our own country when rule by ferrets makes its full impact ? Well, yes. And a damn good thing too, in my humble opinion. You will note from this colourful and confusing photo that all nuclear weapons have been eliminated, and replaced with sticks. And little bell things on people's ankles. Part poetry reading, part Zumba class, what's happening here is essentially a military exercise designed to dissuade would-be invaders from entering the country by convincing them that its inhabitants are really quite mad. The red garments are known as the Aprons of War, and symbolize that should invaders get insistent about it, they'd actually be welcomed & cooked a fine meal. Possibly something involving garlic and chorizo. The poetry, chanted loudly to the beat of banged sticks, harks back to a simpler time when rabbiting and ballroom dancing were recognised Olympic events.   Before you sneer, it is worth noting that Ferreteria has never in its en...

 So my show is called 'THIS TOWEL GUIDE DETERMINES THE LENGTH OF LOOP NECESSARY FOR THE EFFICIENTS AND SAFE OPERATION OF THIS CABINET: IT MUST NOT BE REMOVED'. I did want to call it 'FRANZ KAFKA AND THE FIRE-BREATHING ROBOT CHICKENS' but Tremont and Tarquin had already snaffled that for their show about psychiatric breakdowns among hipsters who are fatally conflicted about what sort of beards they should wear. Don't laugh, a friend of mine grew his beard for a whole year, then shaved it off two weeks before bush ranger beards came in. He threw himself in front of a train. I hate to think what would have happened if it had been moving. But back to my show. So. Look obviously it's a comedy. That's what I do. It's heart and spine of my theatre practice. And maybe the kidneys and pancreas as well. And of course the lungs. I mean I just breathe comedy. I can't help it. But I just so wanted to do more exciting and substantive than just entertain. ...

Let me make it clear from the outset that I am firmly convinced that some sort of apology is in order. As are my colleagues and financial backers. Of course I could just say I'm sorry and be done with it, but I don't believe in taking the easy way out, and I feel this situation calls for a full explanation. You see where I come from we speak the plain unvarnished truth. We call a stick a stick. Unless it's a particularly long stick, in which case we call it a pole. And of course if it's fairly thick and has fencing wire attached it, we'd probably call it a post. If it's a bloody enormous stick and it's stuck in the ground and covered with leaves we may very well call it a tree. If it's round at one end and sort of flattened out in a curvy fashion at the other end that would be what we call a cricket bat.  But you know what I mean. A stick is a stick. At the end of the day. When all's said and done. And isn't it just. Now I've had a loo...

FERRET OLYMPIC REVIEW COMMITTEE I've had a quick look over the findings of the committee of enquiry into Ferret Olympic performance, and I'd have to say they've done a pretty fair job. Since Ferret Olympic policy shifted away from actual events and medal tallies, and concentrated on the real business of the Olympics, which is excuses, idiotic behaviour, and excuses for idiotic behaviour, ferrets are coming up gold!   Ferret excuses have improved massively, both in quality and quantity. Ferret swimmers complained the water was too wet, ferret runners complained that the starting guns had frightened them and they were disadvantaged by having to run a really long way on tiny little legs, and ferret archers claimed the daylight hurt their eyes and the events should have been held at night. Olympic standard whinging !! Bravo !! I thought the committee may have seen fit to draw special attention to the ferret hurdler who, after downing fifteen lagers and placing seco...

  You're all important busy people. You haven't got time to hang around all night reading long-winded porn. We've extracted the essence for you.   Billionaire teenager, Christian Grey, has seduced whatshername, you know, the virgin, by sending her hundreds of bafflingly inane emails and showing her pictures of his helicopter while whipping her with a  rolled-up copy of the Wall St Journal.  Finally she is ready. He whips off his incredibly expensive underpants, allowing his enormously wealthy penis to spring forth."Crikey", she gasps, and has several impressive orgasms.  He ties her up with albino-mink handcuffs and starts to have sex with her, plunging his enormously wealthy and sophisticated penis into her moist trembling share portfolio."Golly gosh", she exclaims breathlessly.They both have about fourteen or fifteen unbelievably incredibly intense orgasms before stopping for a cigarette. "Gee Whiz" she sighs. While they r...

Since being put in charge, the ferrets have thought long and hard about the spiritual malaise they see around them. They wanted to find a desert and wander into it in search of answers, but couldn't find one close to public transport, so took themselves off to Melton. Which is close enough. There are no mountains in Melton, so it was arranged for the "Moses'' committee to meet up with God in an old scout hall behind Aldi and hammer out a few ideas. It's probably fair to say that the ferret concept of God is closer to Fair Work Australia than your more traditional Judeo-Christian figure. There's a lot of room for negotiation. And cups of tea. And date scones. This is a draft copy of the commandments, to be ratified by the members. 1. Thou shalt not try to get out of a body corporate AGM by declaring that you have to stay home, get naked, smear yourself with whale blubber and watch the Christmas episode of Downton Abbey 2. Thou shalt never, u...