HOW TO BE SEVENTY


 It's Day 1463 of the Tour de France. Your Facebook feed is full of promos for Lifestyle Community real estate opportunities and funeral plans. And it's your birthday tomorrow. Your spouse got Putin & Rasputin the Borsoi Hounds and the fake Brett Whiteleys in the divorce settlement before buggering off to Noosa to spend some quality time with her Pilates instructor Pieter the former Olympic gymnast and professional Scandinavian. And it's your birthday tomorrow. You wouldn't mind so much if they hadn't fucked off with the last of the cocaine and your best three bottles of Grange Hermitage. And your favourite corkscrew. And it's your birthday tomorrow. You've spent the night watching Inspector Morse and repeats of Parliament Question Time. Bob Katter has just asked his usual colourfully incoherent question, rabbiting on about the contribution of Christianity to Modern Society. Something to do with having got rid of human sacrifice, Snake River Gods, and Satanic rituals before 5pm on a Sunday. Oh, and something about how good it was that the Pope was confident enough in his sexuality to wear red satin slippers and a big-arse gold dress. Why this question was addressed to the Finance Minister is a mystery to everyone, particularly the Finance Minister. Worryingly bits of it were starting to make sense to you. And it's your birthday tomorrow. You're going to be 70.

You my friend need help. And I'm not talking about that bottle of single malt Glen McVeryfuckingscottish you've got hidden away. You know that won't help. You, mate, need to man up and head down to your your local Abyss or Void and have a good long hard stare into it.


But first. We need to talk. It's about the lycra. The white lycra. The outfit you bought to go with the $17000 carbon fibre bike. Now go and put it on. Yes. Right now. And stand in front of a full length mirror. I know you've got one. Nobody spends that kind of money on a bike without having a full length mirror somewhere close to the crime scene. Now take a good look. Horrible, isn't it ? No-one needs to see this. You don't need to see this. It's just wrong. Stop it right now.


Okay. Back to the Abyss. Thanks to our state government's crusading commitment to the Big Build Infrastructure Initiative our fair city is now amply equipped with Abyss and Void. Your local Abyss is usually open 9 - 5 Weekdays and later on weekends. If you live in an area heavily populated by over-70s you may find your local Abyss opens as early as 7am and will close for a couple of hours in the afternoon (usually 12 - 2 or 1-3) for obvious reasons. So head on down. No bookings required. Stare away. Scream if you like. Answers await. Even if it's only the Abyss staring back at you. 


Important Note :  Obviously it's early days for the government-operated Abyss and/or Void, and there have been teething problems, so please be patient. I went down to my local Abyss on a Monday afternoon recently and found only a recorded message  "Your angst is important to us.  Please leave a brief scream and one of our operators will get back to you. Or you might like to visit us on our website despairdon'tdespair.hell.com"


So there you go. Leave a brief message expressing the inchoate essence of your soul-crushing angst, and someone will get back to you by Friday at the latest.

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