HOW TO NOT SHOOT TAYLOR SWIFT

 

SWIFT EXIT STITCH IN TIME FOR TAYLOR

Narrow escape today for pop diva Taylor Swift after she cleverly avoided being in Kansas City for the giant piss-up occasioned by the KFC ( Kansas Fucking Chiefs ) winning a well-attended football game of some sort. It was the third year in a row the KFC had won and the fans seemed reasonably pleased. We understand Taylor Swift's boyfriend du jour is a valued member of the KFC  team and played an excellent game, causing the normally reserved Ms Swift to let out an excited squeal. We can neither confirm nor deny that Travis received the customary backseat of the limo passionate-but-chaste-embrace as the happy couple sped to the airport, sending her swiftly on her way to Australia where she will stage a number of wildly successful and very long concerts. Back to the carnage.

Three shooters opened fire on the huge crowd, many of whom were not yet paralytically drunk All three were eventually quickly captured and arrested and advised of their right to a publicist. One of three, who had earlier in the day changed his name by deed poll to Random Insane Person said he was bitterly disappointed to have missed Taylor Swift. Told that Ms Swift had already in Australia for a series of wildly successful concerts, Mr Insane Person said "Fuck that's just the sort of thing she would do".

He freely admitted he intended to shoot Ms Swift, saying he was sick to death of this fucking woke fucking entitled male-bashing catchy and melodic music. "It's a fucking obscenity. She's anti-male, she's anti-Trump and she's un-American. Oh sure, she's got great tits but this madness has to end." Mr Insane Person said he was confident of getting bail and vowed to go to any lengths to hunt down Taylor Swift even if he had to fly to Austria to do it.

Kansas City Influencer and Deputy Mayor Karen Karen said she was angry about the whole thing. "I mean this is America for gods sake. What the hell are people doing with guns at a peaceful drunken rambling celebration of sporting greatness. Goddam it I nearly spilled my drink. You police ought to be protecting us from this sort of thing", she wailed, waving a small bucket of gin & tonic at a startled parking inspector.

Ms Swift declined to be interviewed but commented on Instagram that she was deeply concerned about the incident and just generally bummed out about the whole thing, blaming it on the inevitable moral decay brought about by our oppressive all-male patriarchy. "This sort of tragedy will continue until we get more girls into our patriarchy. Also we need more Evian for poor people. It's so refreshing."

Local Police Chief Travis Benjamin Franklin held a press conference to announce that he would be holding a press conference later in the day once the parameters of this unfortunate incident had been fully explored in the context of societal expectations and reciprocal responsibilities in a free society. Chief Franklin was last seen heading in a northerly direction towards his make-up trailer in search of answers and his dress uniform. 

Oh, and some people died. Details are sketchy but I reckon it was about two. So, it could have worse. God save our Gracious Swift.