WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE GOD ANYMORE



Hello, God here. No no, no need for that sort of carry on. I've told you before about that. All that God-fearing stuff is so very old-fashioned. Just a simple gidday will do. And a cup of English Breakfast tea would be nice. And a date scone, if you're having one. But please,  no more of that grovelling around on the ground and wailing and all that crap. But while we're on the topic, a bit of gratitude wouldn't go amiss. I mean I'm the one who gave you peacocks, and chili chocolate, and sex. Not that you were supposed to enjoy all three of them at the same time. Yes you ! You grubby little bastard. I know who you are. Just stop it before I rethink the whole freewill thing altogether. Now, where was I .. ah, yeah look I'm thinking about just nicking off altogether. I'm just jack of it really. It's not easy being omnipotent. And as for being omniscient, you think that's cool ? I know what Clive Palmer looks like naked. So just like shut up dudes.

 And while I'm thinking about it, Pluto is a planet.  Just leave things alone will you. Anyway. I'm bored. I haven't had any real fun up here for years, oh, except for when Christopher Hitchens arrived. Dude, you should have seen the look on his face. Priceless that was. And he's like "Oh shit, can I call Richard Dawkins ?" and I'm like "No way, dude, that's not how it works" and he's like shitting himself, and I'm like, "Don't panic dude, it's all cool up here in Heaven". Which strictly speaking isn't true. I mean it's all cool all right, but it's not "up" as such, it's more just like right at the edge of your peripheral vision, so when you see people looking a bit shifty, they're not really out to steal your wallet, they're looking for God, okay ? I'm glad I've had the chance to clarify that. Because really, I have to go now.

  I'm buggered. You try knocking over seven billion personal performance reviews every year. It's all got a bit much for me to be quite honest. And some of the crap you lot worry about. Last week it was brought to my attention that we weren't sure whether it was Brussel Sprouts, or Brussels Sprouts. I mean seriously, who gives a fuck ? I mean what are you doing eating these things any way ? This was never the plan. Sprouts, Starbucks coffee, and Derryn Hinch, they're all jokes. They were never intended for human consumption. I give up.

Don't even get me started about Jerusalem. If you lot don't stop fighting over it, I'll give it to the Scientologists. So there. Did I mention I know what Gina Rinehart looks like naked ? And James Packer ?  It's all too much considering the money I'm on. So look, that's about it. I'm sorry I haven't given you more notice, but then again I don't have to, I'm God. At least until knock-off time tonight.

I've lined up a guy called Barry. He's from Iowa, and he's seems nice enough. If it doesn't work out, well, you can just stop believing in him.


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