ALIAS POOR YORICK

  SWIFT EXIT STITCH IN TIME FOR TAYLOR Narrow escape today for pop diva Taylor Swift after she cleverly avoided being in Kansas City for the giant piss-up occasioned by the KFC ( Kansas Fucking Chiefs ) winning a well-attended football game of some sort. It was the third year in a row the KFC had won and the fans seemed reasonably pleased. We understand Taylor Swift's boyfriend du jour is a valued member of the KFC  team and played an excellent game, causing the normally reserved Ms Swift to let out an excited squeal. We can neither confirm nor deny that Travis received the customary backseat of the limo passionate-but-chaste-embrace as the happy couple sped to the airport, sending her swiftly on her way to Australia where she will stage a number of wildly successful and very long concerts. Back to the carnage. Three shooters opened fire on the huge crowd, many of whom were not yet paralytically drunk All three were eventually quickly captured and arrested and advised of their...

      "The past is a foreign country. They do things differently there"  (L.P.Hartley)       "The past is a foreign country & the bastards won't renew my visa" ( J.M.Browett) So there I was sipping chamomile tea watching "Lewis" while balancing a heat-pack over a strained lower arm muscle ( Don't ask. All right I'll tell you. Scrabble injury. I was reaching for the dictionary to challenge "Quijxong". Bugger me it's a real  word. A kind of philosophical dilemma involving a Chinese canoe. Who knew) and I'm thinking I'm not old, I'm still a wild man, just the other night I stayed up till after ten-thirty writing angry letters to the Green guide about the sudden and tragic disappearance of Antiques Roadshow from the late Sunday afternoon timeslot. Don't call me old. I'll show you - I'll grow a ponytail and buy a Harley. Oh wait. Oh shit. Anyway, I'm not old, I'm still a wild man - guess wh...

      First, have a cigarette. It's probably best to wake up first, but I have been known to have a cigarette immediately before awakening or even before. Now dig out those barely-out-of-date nicotine patches you bought three years ago after chain smoking three packs of Marlboro Red at a party in Rehab. Apply liberally to the chest and upper arm areas. I know it says only one, but what sort of a wimp are you ? Go hard or go home. And check out the Krusty the Clown instructional video on YouTube. He recommends 15 - 20 at a time, at least until your body gets used to it. Now, by this time the patches will have kicked in, flooding your bloodstream with nicotine, fear, and anxiety. You may feel the need for a cigarette at this stage. I know I do, but I promised myself I wouldn't have one until I'd finished this blog. You could be in luck - this night be a short piece. Anyway, after that cigarette, don't have any more. Simple.

 GREAT MILITARY VICTORIES; THE TRUMP YEARS: The Battle of Capitol Hill Jan 7 2021  Armed only with their wits and rolled up copies of Guns & Ammo, a highly organized militia of Trump supporters today stormed Capitol Hill and regained possession of the Houses for Democracy, God, and the right to enjoy McDonald's Breakfast Menu any time they damn well like. Because this is America. In a move that President-for-the-rest-of-the-day Donny "Teflon" Trump described as brave and necessary and up there with great revolutions like the Storming of the Bastille and Hitler's great victory over the Russians in Moscow in 1942, the notably ruly mob swiftly took possession of whatever that building is properly called and installed Mr Trump as King of Fucking everything, President Forever, and the chosen one of the God of the Israelites. Or rather they would have, had not sneaky Head Page Mrs "Kenneth" Parcell refused them entry to the chamber itself because they were no...

You're wondering whether it is better to wear fluorescent yellow or electric blue socks with your new red shoes. You may already be sixty. Sixty is largely about socks. No really.  And I hear you asking "Dude. I'm sixty. How do I do this thing ?" First, stop calling me Dude. We've talked about this before. And lose the ponytail. You may wear a ponytail only if you are a 19 yr old barista, or a Native American who either runs a casino or writes deeply spiritual poetry or ideally, both. Now, cheer up. On the bright side, you've actually managed to get to sixty. Here are some famous and accomplished people who never made sixty : Alexander the Great, Jesus, Justin Bieber. I know it seems a little early to make that call about Justin Bieber, but trust me he'll never make it. I have a plan. Which brings me to my next point:  although it makes an enormous amount of sense from a tidying-up-the-gene-pool-by-getting-rid-of-the-slow-and-the-weak point of view,...

A FIELD GUIDE TO THE EARLY STAGES OF LATE MIDDLE-AGE The very first thing you need to do is start early. Pack a lunch, some dry socks and maybe something to read. Being sixty doesn't just happen overnight. But, most important of all, don't die. I know this seems terribly obvious but you'd be surprised how many miss this simple but vital step. You have to pay attention. Of course there will always be accidents. True accidents for which you can't be blamed. Great chunks of frozen fish fall out of the sky, there's that random poisoning at a state banquet in Upper Volta, and how were you to know that the man driving the Hyundai that you gave the finger to was the Sergeant-at-Arms for the Bandidos. ( Please do not call these Acts-of-God. I've checked with God about this and he's gets a bit tetchy about the whole thing. He says this sort of stuff should more properly be called Acts-of-Gerry. Gerry is a miserable sod who lives in Melton and has nothing bett...

Start saving for those jokes now. Joke credit card maxed out. Editor drunk. Proof reading staff on durgs.