ALIAS POOR YORICK

  You're all important busy people. You haven't got time to hang around all night reading long-winded porn. We've extracted the essence for you.   Billionaire teenager, Christian Grey, has seduced whatshername, you know, the virgin, by sending her hundreds of bafflingly inane emails and showing her pictures of his helicopter while whipping her with a  rolled-up copy of the Wall St Journal.  Finally she is ready. He whips off his incredibly expensive underpants, allowing his enormously wealthy penis to spring forth."Crikey", she gasps, and has several impressive orgasms.  He ties her up with albino-mink handcuffs and starts to have sex with her, plunging his enormously wealthy and sophisticated penis into her moist trembling share portfolio."Golly gosh", she exclaims breathlessly.They both have about fourteen or fifteen unbelievably incredibly intense orgasms before stopping for a cigarette. "Gee Whiz" she sighs. While they r...

Since being put in charge, the ferrets have thought long and hard about the spiritual malaise they see around them. They wanted to find a desert and wander into it in search of answers, but couldn't find one close to public transport, so took themselves off to Melton. Which is close enough. There are no mountains in Melton, so it was arranged for the "Moses'' committee to meet up with God in an old scout hall behind Aldi and hammer out a few ideas. It's probably fair to say that the ferret concept of God is closer to Fair Work Australia than your more traditional Judeo-Christian figure. There's a lot of room for negotiation. And cups of tea. And date scones. This is a draft copy of the commandments, to be ratified by the members. 1. Thou shalt not try to get out of a body corporate AGM by declaring that you have to stay home, get naked, smear yourself with whale blubber and watch the Christmas episode of Downton Abbey 2. Thou shalt never, u...

THE TRUTH ABOUT THE HIGGS-BOSON PARTICLE

 THE ROASTING PROCESS REQUIRES GREAT CONCENTRATION It was just two days after my fifteenth birthday that I decided to dedicate my life to creating the perfect cup of coffee. I had wanted to become a doctor and make a difference to child morbidity rates in the Sudan , but at that moment I went no bugger it, I want to do something important with my life. After all, I'm from Melbourne. The first thing I did of course was to spend several months praying to Saint Anselm, who conceived the ontological proof of God's existence, and, surely not coincidentally, is the patron saint of coffee. I asked for guidance. Then I met my personal guru,Tarquin Vespa,  a man who sent me off to the North Sahara desert region to meditate on a coffee bean. I want you, he said, to become the coffee bean... By the way, surely I can't have heard sir correctly, A latte ? At this time of day ? Surely not. We have a saying in Italy. Milk comes from cows, coffee comes from God...

YOU HAVE (21) NOTIFICATIONS  which your real Facebook Friends, you know, The Facebook Crew, have sorted and explained for you. We rock so you can roll. TERRY YOURFRIEND ... Liked your post, then Unliked your post, then Liked it again, then decided that neither was an acceptable response to the death of your parakeet & has gone down the pub for a cleansing ale. JEREMY YOURFRIEND .. Has accepted your friend request even though he has never heard of you and doesn't much like your profile picture or any of the stuff you like, it's just he was up to 499 friends and felt the need to go to a round number ALYSSIA YOURFRIEND ... Has bought a cat ALYSSIA YOURFRIEND .. Has posted 167 pictures of her cat Cleopatra RUPERT YOURFRIEND .. posted a link to some site you've never heard of, along with a picture which is completely incomprehensible and was probably shot on some wank setting on Instagram. The whole is clearly designed to make you feel intellectually, socially,...

The Author Contemplates the Ludicrous Charges Against Him As I stand here before this tribunal I am appalled, disgusted, and flabbergasted. But most of all, innocent. Totally, completely, absolutely innocent of these and all other charges that may or may not be brought against me. This is clearly what Kafka was talking about about when he famously said "Will you lot piss off, I'm trying to write a play". I'm so innocent I have given my lawyer, Hirohito Fengshui, the day off and will defend myself. Let me make this abundantly clear: I have never conspired to murder one or more of the Wiggles and replace them with ruthless assassin cyborgs. Furthermore, I have never been offered, even on a trial basis, the part of the Black Wiggle. I have never watched "Downton Abbey" with the sound turned down, doing all the voices in a broad New Zealand accent & adding frequent farting noises. I did not encourage Bryce Courtenay to lie about fighting in th...

 TOLSTOY TELLS CHEKHOV 'UNCLE VANYA' NEEDS MORE JOKES