IS THERE A DOCTOR IN THE WHITE HOUSE? THE CONCESSION SPEECH YOU HAVEN'T BEEN WAITING FOR

PRESIDENT TRUMP (Left) AND MEDICAL ADVISER  RON DETERGENT

Good afternoon, Ladies and Germs, it's great to be here, really . Of course at my age it's great to be anywhere. So a man stopped me on the way in and he said Please sir, you gotta help me, I'm starving. I haven't had a bite all day. So I bite him.( CHUCKLE CHUCKLE COUGH ... you know it's not the joke, it's the way you tell it. I'm just a naturally funny guy I'm blessed. So many talents,They had to set aside special rooms in the White House just to fit them all in... TAKES OUT PHONE .."Hello Room Service ? Send up a room ... COLLAPSES INTO HYSTERICAL GIGGLES .. See it's funny because it's true. It's really true. I need more room. A whole room's worth ...HYSTERICAL ... Yeah I dropped some acid, a couple of tabs of acid before the show. I'm cool. I'm where at it is with the hypster bros dude. So.

So how's everyone going ? All right ? Anybody here died today from the Covid  ? No ? No; Of course not, and you know why ? It's because of me. A god-like being with extraordinary and stable powers of genius and detection and I've worked out what's going on here. It's not the Coveffevirus that kills you, it's the fake news and the evil lying Democrats. They're doing to make me look bad. So listen, you know what to do. If you get the covidius, don't die. Simple. Just don't die.

Four years ago, I promised to make America tall and rectangular and duck-egg blue. And I knew we could do it if we didn't let facts get in the way. I mean really, who needs them. Facts are for faggots and niggers and liberal commie bastard Demcrat murders. Facts are just fucked. People are saying I lost the election and it's a fact. I say Covfeeve to that. I won. Big. Biggie Bigs DJ Don they call me. aND YOU KNOW WHY ? Cos it's true. And actual fact. Not like these made up ones we get from scientists and that. Facts are fucked man. 

When the Chinese invaded Pearl Harbour in 1942 did the facts help  ?  No.  Facts don't blow up ships and tanks and stuff. No we needed arms. Bigly. I was there/ I told them what to do.

And just last year when all those storms and hurricans and stuff came. Did the facts help ? No because they all got wet. Stupid Dems and Fake News outlets just don't get it. Facts aren't waterproof.

 Four years ago, I promised to make every American purple, translucent and rich beyond the dreams of ordinary men.  I've done just that. People, Americans, are sick of winning. Sick of it. They come up to me and say President Trump. Sir. Lord. Can we stop winning so much. And then those dangnabbit Chinese prevocators come here with their sneaky shiny invisible germs and try to kill us. What help are your facts now you lying scumbag child-murdering drug-dealing Dems . I don't like any of their facts and you know why ? Because they're stupid and smelly and most of them have girl-germs all over them. You don't want them. Stick with me. I'll buy you a pony. And some guns. And a pickup truck.

Don't get me wrong, this is very serious. People are going to die who have never died before. And you know who cares ? I do. If you die, you will be informed by your nearest department of health official. And you'll be told what to do next. We have everything under control. We\re going to be making America duck-egg blue and just plain dandy. Weather's gonna be great.

Now there's still some crap going round and it really makes my blood boil. Liars fools and cowardly poltroons are saying some guy called Joey Biden has allegedly won the election. Rigged of course. Massive fraud. Anyway I'm not one to make a fuss, never have been, never will be. 

So I'll be off. Me and the missus. Might try my hand in Vegas. I've had offers. Big impressive offers from people who know.

Two shows on a Thursday. Try the veel. Yours sincerely, Sir Donald Trump