I JUST CALLED TO SAY YOU LOVE ME

THE GOVT WHIP ? SURE, NOW YOU KNOW THAT'S $50 EXTRA.

      Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate .... it's me Tony. Tone Tony. Tony the Toned  The Jockstrap Jesuit. Used to be the Prime minister remember ? You used to love me but it's all over now ? Say it ain't so bro. I hear I don't have your vote, surely that can't be right. Tell me it's wrong ..... You what ?  What am I wearing ? ..... no, yeah, nah, I won't give you a blow-job, not even if you throw in your wife's vote as well. How about a pony. Yeah mate. A pony. I'll give you a pony … no, an actual pony, I can never figure out all that patois about money and stuff anyway. I once lent a mate five thousand for a cup of coffee. Ponies monkeys gorillas it's all Greek to me I'm just a simple man of the people. Give me some bacon and eggs and a bottle of Chateau Lafitte for breakfast and I'm a bloody happy simple man of the people …..  you calling me a liar, mate? Mate, you calling bullshit on me ? On me ? Your mate. ... you what ? Have you been drinking ? No I mean mate what have you been drinking. Of course you've been drinking, the sun's up. Me ? Of course I've been drinking, the sun's up and I'm a deeply embittered man who's given his all for this country and been tossed aside like an old cherry ripe wrapper for Malcolm bloody fucking mink underpants fucking bloody Turnbull. Sorry. Sorry. Bit emotional today, trust bloody Labour to think of knocking off Hawkie two days before the election.
Wish I'd thought of something like that. Keating's right in a way, eh ? We do lack vision in this party. Christopher should have thought of that before he buggered off. Oh look you know I did used to call him a conceited little fuck-poodle from time to time but it was all in good fun, and he did get things done. He was a fixer. And he could've fixed this -  bit of a going away prezzie. Howard's a nice enough guy but … shtum shtum, said enough. I never said it, I never said a thing. We were discussing the democracy sausage. Right mate ? ..... Sorry. Right. What ? ... I thought you rang me. Anyway, what's the diff. You say tomaaato, I say you're a fucking pretentious twat, we laugh and have another beer. It's the Australian way. So whaddya need to change your mind about voting for me ? ... uh huh... . uh huh .... uh huh.... so first you do understand the government whip isn't an actual whip, oh I';m sure he's got one somewhere but ... uh huh uh huh uh huh ... okay look. You get me your wife's vote, a case of Grange, and a guarantee no-one in your street gives preferences to that asshole Palmer and you get the blow-job. Except we call it a pony not a blow-job and we tell everyone God made me do it. And that Chris Pine fixed the whole thing.