TONY ABBOTT'S LAST EVER FINAL FAREWELL SPEECH

Let me just say two things: I am not dead yet, I would like some cheese, and Malcolm Turnbull is a complete bastard. And so is Julie Bishop. She gave me girl germs. And don't get me started on that treacherous little twink Christopher Pyne. Or Scott Morrison. Yes I know that's more than two things, that wasn't a promise you bloody pedants that was an ambit claim. Don't start with me or I'll have them build a coal mine in your backyard. Yes your actual backyard. I'll still got friends. I'll email Greg Hunt. I told him when he first became Environment Minister I said Greg, mate, we can't be worrying about the impact of a few billion tonnes of coal being mined. Of course we care about the environment but at the same time the environment needs to toughen the fuck up. No-one wants a namby-pamby sickly girlie poof of an environment. And if somehow in spite of our best efforts we completely bugger it, we'll just buy a new one on eBay. Greece could probably use the money. And don't worry about the whingers I told him. But he be like "Tony. Dude. I don't want to do this. I want to be like Minister for Arts and Biscuits", and I be like "Greg. Bro. There's no such portfolio as Arts and Biscuits. There's Watching Television and Garlic Underpants, but I had to give that to Malcolm to shut him up". The traitorous bastard.

I let him win, by the way. It was all part of my cunning secret master plan. Yeah all right maybe that's not completely true.  It was Julie Bishop's fault. She gave me girl germs. That's why I lost the vote.

But you know I love not being the Prime Minister. It gives me more time to wear a dinner suit and drink in the mornings. Not that I would wear a dinner suit while I was drinking in the morning. That would be wrong. I was a bit worried about the breakfast martinis at first, so I prayed about it and asked God if he thought it was okay and he said Abso-fucking-lutely so I feel better now because that's exactly the sort of thing God would say. Bring me a vodka martini, quietly agitated, and with a slice of raw potato.

This increased leisure time has also given me the chance to expand my spiritual life. I've recently joined the Church of the Perpetual Afternoon Tea. We are guaranteed that come the Rapture, we will not only be joined with our Lord and Master, but first we will have delicious scones and fresh raspberry jam. Praise the Lord and pass the whipped cream.

I've enjoyed our little chat but I have to go now. I just hope all of you have done nothing to further anger our alien lizard overlords. I've talked to you about this before. I know they seem scary but they have our best interests at heart ...

Nurse. Nurse. You've given me the wrong medication. I'm not taking the red one or the green one. I'll take all the rest. Peta told me if I just stay quiet for a couple of years and take my medication they'll make me special ambassador to the Vatican. No girl germs there.