LET THERE BE LIGHT

THE RIGHT HONOURABLE AND TOTALLY WONDERFUL LORD MALCOLM TURNBULL, PRIME MINISTER OF AUSTRALIA

... so I said to Joe Hockey, mate I could replace you with a iPhone 6, at least it'd take a better picture. ... oh shit I'm sorry I didn't see that microphone there... 

Bring me the ermine underpants of ultimate authority, I am here to save the nation.

Now I won't be taking questions as such as we gather here today to survey the unalloyed and undeniable magnificence that is me, but I'm sure in the course of our encounter I will answer all of your questions and many you haven't even thought of yet & just generally be damned impressive.

Speaking of which, I've been advised I've got a bit of Sun-God/personal radiance thing going on, and those of you in the first twenty or thirty rows may want to throw on some sun-block. There have been first degree burns. I want and need of all you to worship me in safety.

So when, I hear you whisper in awe, did the fabulous begin ?  Let me be plain and with all due humility tell you that there never really was a time before fabulous, but it went a bit quiet there for a spell. Then a few weeks ago it just start to build. There was a hum, there was a thrum, there was a vibration that yeah verily did become a roar. Strong men were getting sexually excited, women were fainting, and birds were falling out of the sky. It was time for me. And I was there. And now I'm here.

I'm reminded of the words of the ancient Greek poet and historian Aristocrates who said "Gad but this man is gorgeous. If ever there was a man to deliver us from the heavy dull grey yoke of Spartan oppression it is him!". He wasn't of course talking about me, but he could have been. And people I know how you have suffered, believe me. Two years under a leader who thinks that a French cuff is some sort of boxing manoeuvre. I could weep. In a manly fashion of course.

And while we're on that subject, one further warning, and I hope and pray I'm not too late with this, but it seems I am become so powerful and more to the point, potent, that there have been instances of spontaneous impregnation at a distance. If you are of child-bearing age you may wish to leave, or at least shift to the back of the room. And I'm not just talking to the ladies here. I am a strangely powerful man. With a decent haircut.

Now, you may cry, have things really improved since I become Prime Minister three weeks ago ?

Of course they have. The weather is markedly better, not a single ugly baby has been born anywhere in in this great country of ours, and I've worn a yellow tie on at least nine occasions. Oh happy days. Oh frabjous joy.

But, I hear you further cry, do I intend to take real action over very real problems such as the international terrorism, climate change, and the appalling realities associated with offshore processing of asylum seekers ?  Indeed I do. I'll be getting rid of penalty rates and heading off for a manicure. Ciao.