WAIT, I CAN EXPLAIN ....

BUT THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR THIS

The person who said "There's simply no excuse for this" simply isn't looking hard enough. There's always an excuse. Effort is required. Creativity is to be admired.

Some of you may recall when this blogging empire took its first faltering steps I warned that from time to time, an item of actual news might slip into print. A true thing. An actual fact. And so it has come to pass: several weeks ago a couple of Melbourne footballers tested positive for the performance-enhancing drug clenbuteral. I would tell you their names and the club they play for, and you're probably thinking I'm just too bloody lazy to google it, but the fact of the matter is that any attempt to google unflattering facts about Melbourne footballers is harshly punished by our alien lizard overlords and may lead to comedy writers being imprisoned and forced to write cat memes for Facebook for up to five years. Not many people know this.

 Anyway. Our two likely lads told authorities that it wasn't their fault because they were pretty sure they'd eaten steaks laced with the stuff in a New Zealand restaurant. You Kiwi bastards. Even their team mates choked on their single-origin lattes over this load of bollocks, and suggested it was much more likely that the lads' "recreational drugs" may have been adulterated with said banned substance. Oh quite. So let's get this straight, you're claiming it's not your fault because someone cut your weekend cocaine with clenbuteral and how could you possibly know ? Well that's all right then.

Chutzpah is of course the key to a successful excuse. Like the chap who applied here at ALIAS POOR YORICK for a minor editorial post & owned up to a string of criminal conviction including burglary, theft, drug cultivation, drug importation, assault, armed robbery, and fraud. In his own defense he pointed out that he was living in the country at the time, jobs were scarce and entertainment thin on the ground. Well of course. That's all right then.

None of these people can hold a candle to a Mr A. Hitler, who claimed that he had no intention of starting the Second World War and had been the victim of a particularly bad travel agent who supplied him with dodgy maps. He later told authorities that while holidaying in Europe with a million and a half of his closest friends he stumbled by mistake into France, whereupon the French promptly surrendered. As they do. He claimed no aggressive intent towards any of the other countries involved, claiming the Sudetenland was a surveying cock-up and that he had merely popped into Czechoslovakia when he saw they had gone off to the movies and forgotten to turn out the lights. Poland, he claimed, had looked at him funny.

Works for me. Of course I once failed a random drug and alcohol screen after being kidnapped by aliens the previous night and being forced to consume ten Heineken, six lines of cocaine, two pipes of ice, three joints, two Valium, four bourbons, and some opium. I told them I was expecting to be anally-probed and they got angry and told me they don't do that, they've never done that, they have no intention of doing that and what the fuck is wrong with you Earth people. But I digress.

I know what you're thinking. There hasn't been a blog published for a month. What is going on ? We haven't even published our usual excuses. Fact is I've been flat out translating the New Testament into Emoji for a special client whose name I can't reveal but let's just say he's in the Pope business and he's way cool. Also I broke a fingernail in a freak Deaf Signing accident. And the Jokecheck on the typewriter was broken.

Plus I binge-watched the last two series of Downton Abbey and lost the will to live. I have to go now.