TONY ABBOTT : I AM WOMAN

Oh yes, I am wise. But it's wisdom born of pain. Yes, I've paid the price, but look how much I've gained. If I have to, I can do anything. I am strong. Yes I'm strong. I am invincible. Yes invincible. I am woman.

And why do I, Tony Abbott, on the surface a man, and yes a man with rather more chest hair than is currently fashionable, claim and declaim to you here today, that I am a woman. Because in a very real sense I am a woman. I identify. It is no accident that I am the Minister for Women in this government. I know what it is to be bullied and pushed around by arrogant men in suits and blue ties. I know what it is to be laughed and and treated as second best. I know what it is to be objectified and treated as a mere sexual object. Women of Australia I share your oppression.

You get to a point where you understand in a very real and meaningful way that men and women are exactly the same except for that not having a penis thing. And the PMS. Crikey that's a bitch, isn't it ? I remember coming into the office one morning and we'd had one of those particularly whiney emails from Chris Pyne and Peta just stapled it to my chest. Ouch. Like somehow he's my fault. Okay, well maybe he is a little bit my fault, but even so. My point is we're all basically the same except that women don't have a penis. And you all want one, at least on a figurative or philosophical level. I know this because I have been to Oxford. Or Cambridge. One of the good ones anyhow. So, ladies of Australia I say to you, let me, in a caring and sharing way, be your philosophical penis. Because you know you'll have no trouble finding any number of people to agree that I am quite a penis.

Don't waste your time with slick imposters like Malcolm Turnbull with his silk condoms and his mink-lined underpants and his unicorn liver pate sandwiches that he won't share with anyone 'cos he thinks we're a pack of oiks. The bastard. He could never know what it is to be a real natural woman.

Ladies I know you and care about you in a way that no-one else can.

It must be International Women's Day pretty soon. Let's do something special. Just us.

I am woman, hear me roar, in numbers too big too ignore.....



WRITTEN & AUTHORISED BY TONY ABBOTT, MINISTER FOR WOMEN