I AM JOE'S DIARY

HEY JOE, WHERE YOU GOING WITH THAT GLUM

Dear Diary,

Dash it all I'm really cross, and a bit sad. Everyone's being simply beastly to me and it just isn't fair. All this bloody fuss over bloody bloody sodding poor people. I'm sorry I said they didn't have cars and even if they did they never drive very far and so the petrol tax wouldn't affect them. What I should have said was I hate the crappy cars that poor people own that I have to look at every day as I'm driven to work. Yesterday I had to look at three Hyundai Excels. Two of them were dirty and one of them was really rusty. It was horrible. And I saw an old FQ Holden being driven by a really old and unattractive person. I felt ill.  People just don't think about what I have to put up with.

And anyone with half a brain can see that most of these bloody bloody sodding poor people are deliberately staying poor so they don't have to shoulder their fair share of the tax burden. Leaners not lifters. Some of them are so lazy they don't pay any income tax at all. You bastards. Here I am doing my level best to lift this country out of a fictional but very serious slump and all I get is abuse ! So unfair. I never wanted this poxy job anyway. I should have been PM. How come bloody bloody sodding Tony Abbott got picked ahead of me that's what I'd like to know. Was it his warm smile and boyish good looks ? His easy charm ? His quick wit and faultlessly diplomatic style ? So unfair. I even promised to wear my ocelot-print mankini at the party conference. I know they must have noticed I've lost a fair bit of weight. I treat my body like a temple. Well, okay I guess I treat it more like a well-maintained four-star motel, but what more do these jackals want ?  I need a cigar.

And I will seriously crack it if I get any more crap about smoking cigars. Not only are these fair dinkum Fairtrade cigars, they are a symbol of our willingness to trade with a Cuban friends even if they are still at least nominally godless communists. Besides I have been assured that each cigar I smoke has been rolled on the downy inner-thigh of a work-for-the-dole teenager. I am giving them a job and self-respect. But do I get any credit ? No. So unfair.

Here I am stuck with collecting all the empty bottles for a refund to try and balance the budget while bloody bloody sodding Tony swans around the world impressing the Scottish and the Chinese with his wise and witty words. And I don't see him hanging about to take the phone calls from Gina Rinehart complaining it's been a whole year since she put us in office and still slavery's illegal. So unfair.