THE CLARIFICATION OF CLIVE PALMER

CLIVE PALMER AT REGULAR STAFF BRIEFING

First, you may be experiencing a tingling feeling, a feeling of warmth and of general well-being. Do not be alarmed. This is because you are being addressed by me, Viscompte d' Coal-Bearing Deposits, Clive Palmer. Your feelings are perfectly natural. I am fabulous in all respects & damn near fatally attractive to all mammals. I am also a genius, which really goes without saying, but why take a chance?

 I am here to explain everything.I did not enter politics for silly or trivial reasons. I like the seats. No really, they're great. Especially on the cross benches. You can really stretch out. But on to more pressing matters.

Now, as you know I am extremely rich. Which makes me at least one hundred times smarter than the rest of you. I have two billion dollars, you have a mortgage. So shut up and listen:

Abbott is a pompous idiot who pads his budgie smugglers with real budgies. Hockey thinks he's tough, but he couldn't even spell the word 'bastard' until I showed him where to find it in the dictionary. You need to ignore these nancy boys and take my advice if we're going to get this country back on track. Here's what we need to do -

We make it compulsory for every house in Australia to have a fireplace and chimney. Coal burning of course, we want to save the forests. We'll need maybe four, five million chimneys. We take a third of the unemployed & set them to work building chimneys, another third get to sweep the chimneys, and the final third we train up to take care of the chimney sweeps once they get all those hideous ailments. We sell a shit-load of coal, give the building industry a serious boost, and pretty well take care of the unemployment problem. I can't see a down side. We get this country back on its feet and please don't be talking to me about self-interest and the fact that I own massive coal reserves. Call yourself a reporter ? You make me sick. Now fuck off. 

This will be good for Australia, and good for football. I used to own a football team once, I wonder what happened to it? Perhaps I left it in my other suit. Look into it will you Ricky. Now some of you may be wondering what on earth I am babbling on about. This is perfectly reasonable, but you should not concern yourselves unnecessarily. I am a hugely successful man and I can assure you I didn't get to where I am today by making sense all the time.

If you know what's good for the country you will continue to think of me as a god-like being and leave baskets of fruit and fish and freshly-oiled maidens outside my hut on a regular basis.

That is all. Go about your business. I'll be in touch.