MasterBastard : THE DENIAL SPECIAL

 "MasterBastard" CARRY-OVER CHAMPION  TONY ABBOTT

Ladies and gentlemen it's a very great honour to be here this evening and a very special feeling to win back-to-back MasterBastard series. This isn't something you do by yourself and I'd like to thank Rupert and Gina for giving me this opportunity. Now let me get straight to it. A few people, a small misguided but vocal minority have suggested I have broken election promises and even lied. This is a lie. I have never lied, nor could I ever lie. I am a Rhodes Scholar and not lying is one of our rules. What you have to understand is I was telling the truth then and what I said then is now still true but the facts have changed. This is the fault of the previous government.

When you weren't looking, ladies and gentlemen, this evil Labour Government spent literally billions on geegaws and whizzbangs, on folderol and flutter-me-jubbles. They spent your pension money, ladies and gentlemen, on lollies and icecream. So if you want to point the finger of blame, cast your eyes towards the opposition benches and look upon those faces stained with shame and raspberry cordial.

The money's gone and you'll need us to get it back. When the going gets tough, the tough need to become real bastards. But that doesn't mean you're allowed to lie about us. Fair's fair, ladies and gentlemen.

I think what disturbs me the most about the reaction our firm-but-fair budget is the sheer volume of the lies which have been thrown into the arena. I'm here tonight to put the record straight.

It is not true that during the radio talkback interview in question I winked at that pensioner who was forced to work as a phone-sex operator to make ends meet. I was in fact winking at the interviewer, John Faine. He is a very attractive man and I'm confident enough in my sexuality to flirt with him.. Nor did I say to her "How much for a handjob you elderly slattern ?".

It is totally untrue that I recently circulated to all department heads video copies of "Soylent Green" with post-it notes attached reading "Food for thought ?"

Christopher Pyne did not suggest that the students protesting new fee structures be waterboarded. Nor did he, when it was suggested he might care to address a group of angry students in person, run away screaming "Not me, leave me alone, I'm too young and pretty to die".

Finance Minister Mathias Cormann does not own a t-shirt with the slogan "Australia, Where The Unemployed Are Killed and Eaten". He just sounds like he might.

Speaker Bronwyn Bishop did NOT host an evening of strip-canasta in the Speaker's Chambers on Budget night as a Liberal party fund-raiser. Nor is it true that before delivering the budget Joe Hockey danced with his young son to the song "Fuck the Poor" by the Young Liberals on Speed.

 It is an outrageous lie that I joined Joe Hockey and key members of his team after the Budget presentation for a celebratory supper of larks' tongues and unicorn testicles, washed down with the blood of freshly-slaughtered arts students. You may be thinking of a private party at Gina Rinehart's. I couldn't possibly comment.

And finally, it is absolutely untrue that I once called Christopher Pyne a bit of a poodle. I have always thought of him as more of a terrier/pomeranian cross.

And, even more finally, it is absolutely and categorically untrue that I represent a superior race of reptile aliens who intend to subjugate you all and generally be horrid to you. It's just a trick of the light.

Please return to your homes. You have nothing to fear from us.