ALIAS POOR YORICK

                                                             Arble Jarble, Jarble Jarble Run like a fox, run like chickens, Marry me & we'll carve on marble Rude little poems about Charlie Dickens                 I want to be two pounds of strawberries           and a cup of sugar at most           I want to make myself into jam           so you can spread me on your toast         (HIPSTER VERSE:  To be played on mandolin & bass ukelele after drinking three espressos in Northcote) I'll be a bitcoin billionaire for you...

 * Chaos on the set of the second series of MasterBastard tonight causes production shutdown. Reigning champion Tony "Lying Eyes"Abbott knighted two of the camera operators and gave a life peerage to the set designer. New contestant Attorney General George Brandis then called the standby props person a "stinky bum fart weasel" because that's what free speech is all about. Several of the other contestants burst out laughing and were unable to continue. Indignant Floor Manager Bronwyn "Be Bob A Lu Bop" Bishop immediately threw them out of  the studio, saying that this was totally unacceptable behaviour: "We've got people here doing their very best to be complete bastards and all you lot can do is laugh". Further outbursts of infectious laughter turned into disorder. Bishop then evicted the entire camera crew, the boom operator, a make-up person, several talent agents, and a guy called Terry who no-one can figure out what he does but it...

PM TONY ABBOTT & PM PETER O'NEILL TO SHARE VICTORY Runaway ratings success and first foray into entertainment television for RuperTV, "MasterBastard" came to a sensational series end today when judges were unable to pick a clear winner, calling the first final a draw. The two finalists, Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott and Papua New Guinea Prime Minister Peter O'Neill, surprised judges and audience alike when they happily agreed to share the victors spoils; their win having been virtually guaranteed by the agreement to proceed no further with any sort of inquiry into recent events in the detention centre on Manus Island. Bastardry at its best and brightest. The judging panel, headed by former World Champion Complete Bastard George Bush Jr, said that while PM Abbott looked like a runaway winner from the start, PM O'Neill came galloping to the fore with this act of casual collusion. "Casual collusion goes a long way in the business of  bastardry...

CRAIG THOMPSON & BARRISTER GARY "SHADES'' JAMES Q.C  Hello, I'm Craig Thompson. Unless otherwise advised by my attorney.So, am I guilty? Well I've been "found" guilty, but does that actually mean I'm guilty. I don't think so. It's such a subjective opinion when all's said and done. One man's opinion. And really it was a bunch of hookers and some porno films it's not like there was any actual illegal stuff going on. Okay the credit card fraud thing. Okay, that one man was a magistrate. Yeah yeah. Okay okay okay. You're right. No, yeah, no, right. I get your point. Okay I'm guilty. Look I'll tell you what I'll do. How about I give all the money back. That's fair enough, eh ? I'll give back all the money and chuck in a couple of hundred for your trouble. Okay, a grand. I'll chuck in a grand on top and we'll say no more about it. Okay. I'll chuck in a grand and I'll be nice to some ...

                        We couldn't afford emotions. Well not complicated ones anyway. A friend of mine was wistful for a couple of days, but both his parents were lawyers. I remember being unhappy but that was only for a day and I had to scrimp for months. As for complicated crap like feeling "conflicted", forget about it. We just didn't have the money. My parents had to save up for ten years just to be in debt. You lot have got no idea what it was really like: long brutal hours in the coal mines,  little kids forced to clean chimneys, orphans dying in the street - reading Dickens was pure hell. No-one talks about it anymore but there was bugger all gravity around until about 1957. True. My mother spent half her time running around glueing us to the floor . The fact is that the space race was mostly about getting out there and bringing back some gravity. We didn't want the Russians to have it...

My name is Rebekah and I cannot tell a lie. I have never told a lie. In fact I've only ever seen  a lie once and it was dark and I doubt I would recognize it again. So you see your Honour it will be unnecessary for me to swear on a bible here, I will simply speak the truth: Yes I am Rebekah Brooks, flame-haired editortrix of the widely-respected Daily Scum Pig. And yes I am young and bright and beautiful. To that I plead guilty. Chortle chortle. Some people say I have no sense of humour and that is so untrue and unfair. I'm hilarious. And truthful. Which makes it really really hurtful when I hear these terrible lies about me and Andy Coulson having an affair. Yes, we're good friends. We're great friends. And yes sometimes our genitals have found themselves in the same room at the same time without much in the way of clothing to get in our way and this has lead to some stonking great sex, but to call this an affair is absurd. Affairs are conducted in black and ...

                                          Senator Cory Bernadi speaking: here is my cunning plan. I'm going to change my name to Tarquin Dogbadger. This way no-one will know it's me, and I will be able to continue my mission to spread the real proper truth no matter how much people laugh at me and pour scorn upon me. I will not be silenced. SENATOR TARQUIN DOGBADGER WITH SPIRITUAL ADVISERS Now that I have been promoted to the back benches by my beloved leader and Speedo soul mate "Babycakes", I am free to tell you truths way beyond anything permitted by party lines.My duty here is clear. These revelations have been authorised and authenticated by The Wollongong Church of the Apocalypse, the Archangel Colin, and my steroid coach, Otto.  Some of the things ...

GUEST EDITOR PERRY "DUKE" PERUKE Don't let the wig fool you. I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more. Okay. A bit more. Not much though. I mean it. Well, when I say I'm not going to take it any more, I mean I'm not going to take much more of it. For much longer. I realise there has to be room for compromise. I'm prepared to negotiate, but enough is enough. And I've nearly had enough. I'm not happy with the government, yes you Mr Toby Bampott or whatever your name is, you and your horrid little chums. Not happy with you. I'm incensed at the price of duelling pistols. The weather is a constant disappointment.  And I'm not happy with the fourth season of "Downton Abbey". Actually I wasn't totally thrilled by the third season, and even bits of the second series were daft, but we had Matthew's hair sweeping around in that gorgeous curve which makes up for a lot of crappy dialogue. Lady Mary - o...

PRIME MINISTER AND TREASURER UNVEIL ELECTION STRATEGY FOR WA SENATE RACE

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