Travel Advisory



It's that time of the year when a holiday seems essential. The footy's finished, Darth Vader's weird little brother Tony has taken over the country, and your drug dealer has booked himself into a Buddhist meditation retreat. Time to get out of town. And let's face it, no-one wants the same old same old when it comes to holidays.

Please don't try to get me to Ulan Bator again. I do not want to stay in a Yurt. I will not sleep in something that sounds like someone has misspelled a dairy product. Yurt. I feel like I've been cornered by a rabid goblin travel agent channelling Dr Seuss - Hey Burt, don't be so curt, would it really hurt, to stay in a yurt.   Besides, I want something new. Jeremy and Claire went to the North Pole for a fortnight and died. I mean it cost them a fortune, but they'll never have a holiday like it again. Nothing will top that. Except if you visit my close personal friends at M. Polo & Sons, Travel Agents to the terminally world-weary. Here's some of their exciting specials for October:

"Folk me till my nose bleeds" ... indulge your love of authentic folk music with this ludicrously over-priced holiday. We ship you to England on a tramp steamer where you'll share quarters with a colourful alcoholic writer who's writing a novel about being an alcoholic writer on a tramp steamer. Then it's deep down into an abandoned tin-mine in Cornwall where you'll record songs of misery and despair on instruments made from the bones of your oppressed forebears. The world is ready and waiting to suffer for your art. For an additional four thousand dollars we'll guarantee to keep Bono out of the documentary about your life and the making of this album. Book now. Quick, before Sting thinks of it. And remember, people want some genuine ethnic suffering they can sing along to.

"Sofa So good" .... let's face it - travel's a bore. For a remarkably reasonable $499 we'll post photos of Venice, Firenze, & Istanbul, and Photoshop shots of you in the south of France on Facebook while you sit at home on the couch smoking opium and eating Brunetti's vanilla ice-cream (opium not included)

"One Day in The Life of Ivan Denisovich Seagull" ... It's the mid-seventies revisited with total intensity as we give you a chance to see how your incense and hippy bullshit stand up under  gruelling conditions in a Stalinist Gulag . Fire up that chillum and tighten that headband as you explore the notion that foot massages may  fend off frostbite  Will you be able to score acid while being beaten and starved by cruel Soviet guards ? Find out from only $7999 per person per week. ( long internal narratives extra)( Free indirect discourse)

"Panic in Detroit" ... live the life of a retrenched auto-worker in the decaying urban nightmare that is Detroit. Watch your children get addicted to crack. Feel helpless in the face of increasing street violence and the sheer futility of it all. For less than $8999 per week, this may be the only chance a middle class middle-aged person white guy ever gets to say "Hey nigger, what's up"
(Warning: conditions may apply)

"Extra"... if you've got a bunch of long-service leave owing and some cash to spare, why not travel to NZ and let Sir Peter Jackson write and direct a film based on your life story. The cost is a very reasonable $200 million & the NZ government will stump up a fair bit of that if you ask nicely. Depending on how your life expectancy, the film will be about four hundred years long. It will win an Oscar for continuity.

And finally, here's a joke I stole from ABC Classic FM :
                                                                                          
 "Why are there no banjos on Star Trek ?"

"Because Star Trek is set in the future"
                                                                     


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