FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS




Top Ten Really Really First World Problems


1.  You run out of Greek feta for your spinach and feta omelette and have to use Bulgarian feta instead

2. You pay $10,000 more than you should for a new Fiat 500

3. You and your partner have a really intense argument about whether the correct wine to have with Blue Castillo is a zinfandel or a pinot-Gris. This argument becomes so intense one of you writes an email to zany Age wine writer Mark Shields only to discover he has been dead for fifteen years. This leads inexplicably to fresh arguments and bitter recriminations over an affair one of you had with a sommelier back in the late-nineties. And then things get completely out of control when you argue about whether you can even have wine, let alone cheese, on your newly-adopted paleo diet.  In the bitterly contested divorce settlement your partner gets custody of the fake Brett Whitely.

4. Your friends laugh at the way you don't seem totally comfortable talking about the "Rach Three" when referring to Rachmaninoff's Third Piano Concerto. Or is it his Third Symphony ?  You are unsure how you should practise sounding more relaxed.

5. Your cocaine dealer won't accept your FB friend request

6. You run out of fennel pollen while preparing a late supper and you've forgotten to download that app from Epicure that directs you to the nearest 24hr gourmet food market

7. Your local AA meeting doesn't have an espresso machine

8. Your personal tattoo artist has retired to live in the south of France, leaving you with an incomplete Celtic half-sleeve tattoo

9. You have finally sourced a supplier who can get their hands on a rare Romanian sheep's milk Routillard for around $400 a kilo, when your beloved announces that both of you are becoming vegans and there is no longer any place for cheese in your life.

10. You fail to get an email from BMW informing you that the tyre pressure has dropped in the front passengers' side tyre. This shakes your faith in the whole technical circle of info/life thing and you start lying awake at night worrying about what to do if the iPhone 6 isn't really any better than the iPhone 5.

11. Your constant vacillation between paleo and vegan diets has severely crippled your ability to count.

12. You have twenty-seven more really really important problems. They all relate to cheese.

13. A pushy fact-checker informs you there is no such cheese as a Routillard. Is there no end to this pain !?

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Secret Diary of Gina Rinehart aged 58+3/4

Image
Dear Diary, Exhausted. Just plum tuckered out. People out there don't realise how tiring it is counting money. Especially when you've got as much as I do. And sometimes by the end of the day I've got quite a lot more than when I started, and then I have to count it all over again ! It's really hard ! And then yesterday I was up to 14 billion, 476 million and I got interrupted by a serf and I lost count. Pshaw ! Well of course I had him beheaded. You have to really. Otherwise they don't respect you. And I'm still gasping with shock over finding out about the minimum wage. Gosh gee whizz it's just awful. $606 is far far too much. And then imagine my further shock when I found out you have to pay them this every week !!!!! I thought it was just a one-off payment. We're doomed, I'm telling you this for nothing dear diary. If this sort of wanton behaviour carries on we'll end up with a world ruled by communists, cross-dressers, and giant heroi...
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING PART FIVE

Image
You've woken up feeling rested and refreshed. You have picked a great day to give up smoking. Congratulations. This is going rto be a piece of piss. Your lungs are already applauding. You make coffee and open up a copy of your new favourite magazine Bread & Circuses. There is a picture of Donald Trump entering the Republican Convention with God on one side of him and the asst treasurer of the American Nazi Party on the other. God is not pictured but obviously he's there. To look after Mr Trump. This is not good. Maybe you've picked a bad day to give up smoking. You turn on ABC Breakfast Television where they are promising to cut to their new American correspondent. It is Elmo from Sesame Street. ?You have picked a truly terrible day to give up smoking, but you're off to meet up with a bunch of friends for coffee and you've stupidly commited to giving up smoking today. You put on three pairs of sunglasses so you can do Lloyd Bridges in Flying High going "loo...
Read more

I AM ENIGMATIC & DIAPHANOUS

Image
  GOD AND UNNAMED ASSISTANT FIGURE  OUT WHERE IN YOUR FAVOURITE PARK TO PUT THE DOG SHIT Hello, God here. Yes. Again. You all know I like to keep these personal appearances to a minimum, but people keep calling. And yes I am omniscient so I should know better but the thing is I have no spam filter and when five fifteen yr old girls on the beach start screaming omigod omigod into their iPhones I immediately think they're having some sort of deep spiritual crisis which demands my presence or at least some sort of a sign and then I find that no, it's merely that One Direction are in town and have added a second concert or that Justin Bieber has discovered a third pubic hair and named it Ulysses. None of which has anything to do with me. You can trust me on that one. I'm not one to point the finger but that stuff is pretty much the work of the Horned One.  I am far too busy being enigmatic and diaphanous. Except on Tuesday afternoons when I make a special effort to b...
Read more