THE FERRET PARTY : OFFICIAL ELECTION LAUNCH

Stand back in shock and awe other political parties, the Ferret Party is here and we mean to win this election. We are the party that is determined to look the future full in the face  with nary a sideways glance behind us as we move forward. Shoulder to shoulder with you the people. And we will win this thing for the simple reason that we cannot lose.

Our leader, Lord Clive Ferret, is worth ten billion dollars, which makes him a billion times smarter than any of you. Unless of course you are worth ten million dollars, in which case he is a thousand times smarter than you. If you are worth just under a million dollars, then ... oh look, he's just heaps smarter than any of you, so shut up.

So why, you ask, go on then, ask away, why oh why will the Ferret Party be the best rulers ever ever in the history of Australia so far ?  Because :

1. No Ferret Prime Minister has ever led this country into war

2. We promise that ballroom dancing will be introduced as an Olympic event. And yes, this is a core promise.

3. We offer Government by Alliteration : this powerful and progressive political platform will insure persistently punchy policies. Fun with Forward-thinking Funky Ferrets !

4. There will be morning tea. We will immediately legislate to make morning tea compulsory. At ten-thirty every morning the country will stop for cups of tea. There will be scones.

5. Things will be nicer. There will be more niceness. We haven't figured out quite how exactly this will work, but we're a bit keen on it. You'll like it.

6. Almost all of our candidates can say stuff like "amortisation of costs over the remaining three quartiles of the debt cycle" with a perfectly straight face.

7. Gorgonzola. Yes of course Gorgonzola is not a policy, it's a cheese. We just wanted to see if you were paying attention. Well done,  alert and intelligent reader. You're the sort of person we want voting for us. Not that we have anything against Gorgonzola, or any other cheese for that matter. I would go so far as to say that we are firmly pro-Gorgonzola. Let's make that a policy, shall we ? We like to think we're a pretty flexible bunch. Okay.

8. Speaking of which, ferrets in general like to think outside the square. In fact our thinking is so far outside the square that we can't even remember what the square looks like. I mean we're still Facebook friends with the square, but that's about it. And while we're on the topic, whatever that is, look out for some pretty big changes in the way this country is governed. In order to make everyone feel included we will be expanding cabinet to about two or three hundred. Everyone in both houses will in fact be a cabinet member, and if we need extra bodies, we'll just get them in from outside. Haven't got time to go into much detail but Tony Abbott will be minister in charge of swimming pools and movie stars, Kevin Rudd is a shoo-in for Minister in charge of putting his fingertips together and looking thoughtful, and tragically-neglected writer, Jeff Browett, author of such literary diamonds as "Prolong the Life of Your Cooking Oil" , "I'm Never Going to Ikea Again", and "If You Didn't Want Me to Run Into Your Lamborghini, Why Did You Park It There ?" will be appointed Minister of Culture & Shit Like That.

9. Cate Blanchett will be our new Queen because she is kind and wise and beautiful. More importantly, she looks good with pointy ears, and has experience in dealing with small furry people. These things help.

10. That's about all for now. Please go about your business in an orderly fashion. We'll be in touch.