SPORT IN DRUGS : SHOCK SCANDAL SENSATION

 LANCE PEPTIDE, CAUGHT IN THE ACT

Accusations and awkward alliterations (& abysmal syntax) are flying as World drug authorities concede for the first time the true extent of the infiltration of sport and sports-related activities into the drug-taking world.

 And it's been going on for years, claims Lance Peptide (pictured above) who talked publicly about his own involvement in sport after being photographed by paparazzi while clearly dressed in some sort of athletic outfit and taking part in field & track activity instead of drinking the beer and snorting the three lines of meth crystals laid out on the serving tray. I am scum, said Mr Peptide, and I am not alone. Nor is this a recent development. I can remember my cocaine dealer back in the mid-eighties turning up to a drug meet in a cricket jumper. Didn't give a stuff. And I can give you names right now, I'm not going to but I could, of several well-known high-ranking cocaine and heroin addicts who openly train with major football teams. It's bad enough when we catch them casually jogging, he said, but this . . .

Spokesman for the the world governing drug-taking body, the ... you know ... whats their name again .. bugger .. I knew it a minute ago....  no seriously, what the fuck is it ? ... anyway, their spokesman, Mr Lance Deviated-Septum said his organisation was taking everything really really seriously, and that they just wanted to get sport out of the way & get back to getting shit-faced. Dude.

Another commentator for the world of drug-taking, Mr Lance Opiate said he realized the rot was setting in when he heard the language changing. You could almost smell the sport, he said, when you started coming across sound-bites like "It's been a long and winding road which has finally borne fruit" , "this sort of thing could bleed the purse-strings dry" , and "in the end I think this is a victory not for me, but for drugs as a whole". It was so bloody obvious, looking back on it. Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the liniment

Another concerned drug person, Mr Lance Cocaine-Cocaine-Running round in my Brain, said it was a tragedy particularly for the very young who look up to drug fiends, and expect them to steer well clear of sport and its attendant evils. The crunch for him came when internationally-renowned drug abuser Mr Lance Amphetamine-Sulphate actually donned a yellow jersey with sponsors messages all over it and openly competed in the Tour de France. He's nothing but a lying cheating scumbag, fumed Mr Lance Cocaine-Cocaine-Running round in my Brain. And it's such a shame for the kiddies.

And for the moment the final word should go to self-confessed sports-cheat Lance Peptide :  "I could snort a two-metre line of cocaine in one go. Kids looked up to me, and grown men envied me.  I threw it all away for the tawdry thrill of wearing little silk shorts and running the two-hundred metre hurdles. Kids, you just can't snort coke and run hurdles at the same time. I know, I've tried."