2012 : A WHOLE YEAR OF IT



ALIAS POOR YORICK Editor-in-Chief Jeff Browett reads  Gina Rinehart's poetry for the first time       (February 2012)

 

 

 

Neatly sandwiched between 2011 and 2013, 2012 was a year that was up to the job. For me the highlight was the Olympics, which, by any possible measure was won by Australia. As long as that measure doesn't involve facts or figures. I'm telling you though, our failures were heroic, our excuses Olympian in their delusional scope and grandeur. We won where it counts, and yes as a matter of fact I am dictating this while competing in a polo match which means you'll have to excuses lapses in syntax and judgement. Well look I'm a busy man and it's the only way ... Murdoch you little fucker, get the fuck out of my way, it's bad enough you people tapping a dead girl's cellphone, but cheating at polo !? What sort of a fucking degenerate are you ... I'm sorry you had to hear that, now where was I ... Penelope when you're transcribing this for fucks sake don't do what you did last time and type up every single word I've recorded. Cut out the swearing, see if you tidy it up a bit and bung in some jokes...

It was of course another epic year for all of us here at ALIAS POOR YORICK, and I'd especially like to thank all the little people here who make this all possible. Sadly I can't remember any of their names, but you get that on the big jobs. Which brings me to one of our bigger challenges this past year. You'll remember of course Gina Rinehart attempting a hostile takeover of ALIAS POOR YORICK, and demanding a seat on the board. Okay, I said. But no-one gets on the board without submitting a sample of comedy material. She sent in this joke:

Knock Knock
Who's there ?
It's Gina Rinehart, now open the bloody door or I'll kick it down and rip your heads off and make soup with them.

We lost two promising young comedy writers that day, but as I said to them "Sure, you're dead, but it's a hell of a way to get your names out there" And hey, dead writers sell. Or is it just that they're a lot less trouble in script conferences ?  I can never remember. I'm wrapped up in the big picture part of the business these days

On a personal level I was pretty chuffed about my appearance on MacGyverchef, where I blew the judges away by creating a five course banquet from a tomato, a paperclip, and a tin of anchovies. I'd have won if it hadn't been for that flashy Palestinian hippy with his couple of fish, couple of loaves of bread, breakfast for five thousand ! And not a bloody paperclip in sight. I don't want to seem like a poor loser but I think he had outside help. I'm just saying.

My family is well. Thank you for asking. Rupert and Arpeggio are both out of rehab, and have joined forces in an independent theatre company touring radical all-ferret Shakespeare productions. Their Hamlet was one of the most extraordinary things I have ever witnessed, and if I can ever find a doctor willing to prescribe Nembutal you can pencil me in for their Henry V.

In a controversial move, I took some personal time to go work on Mitt Romney's election campaign. This ended badly when he refused to go along with my campaign slogan "Vote for me, or Obama will sell America to alien drug-addict gerbils" I said to him I know it sounds crazy, but it might just work. Who's laughing now, eh Mitt ? 

Penelope darl, I have to go now. Bloody Murdoch's about to make a pig of himself with the unicorn-liver pate and I fancy some of that. Just google some news factoids about the rest of 2012 and take some jokes out of petty cash. Must dash.

Except, oh by the way, those ALIAS POOR YORICK employees who bitched about their Christmas presents, I like to remind you ungrateful swine that those boxes of sticks and gravel were picked by me personally from my estates in Normandy. Well not by me personally, but by someone close to me whose judgement I totally respect. And if you just give me a minute his name will come to me ... no don't help me ....