HOPE I GET OLD BEFORE I DIE

You gotta help me doctor I can't even tell when exactly it happened but one minute I'm young and cool okay well maybe not young and cool okay I'm over fifty and I'm still putting too much gel in my hair and then all of a sudden I call someone a punk and I'm not talking about Sid Vicious. No. It's punk as in young punk. As in you goddam no-good young punks. Just like that my dialogue's straight out of a 1957 black and white b-grade movie.Which wouldn't be so bad, except I'm  good with it. Yep. Feels right. Oh shit. You gotta help me. I'm overawed by technology. It's tragic. I'm standing in front of automatic doors going "I am Lord Firestorm Wolftiger, Master of the Eastern Quadrants & I command you to open" & I've got kids going 'you know mate that self-satirical post-modernist ironic shit isn't really cutting it". I hate six yr olds. But listen I've still got it going on man. I'm off to the running of the bullfrogs in ..no bullfrogs .. God you're deaf, what sort of a psychotherapist can you be when you're half-deaf ? .. a happy one. Fair call. Anyway no listen we're off to the running of the bullfrogs in Pampa Florida .. don't laugh it's still plenty dangerous don't you worry about that, last time I got a nasty mud-stain on my chinos and a friend of mine completely ruined his Rivers boat shoes. It's Big Cojones stuff mate. And I keep wanting to have more children so I can call them Anthea Camembert and Tarantino, and if only I could reconcile all this with a deep-seated urge to change my name to Ron Winnebago. Doctor what's wrong with me. Someone the other day told me lawn-bowls requires skill and cunning and strength. And I believe them. Well I want to believe them. What's wrong with me. And why have I got this uncontrollable urge to write letters to the TV guide insisting they exhume Kerry O'Brien and force him back onto TV. And why do people mumble on the radio ? My nephew tells me he's blogging. Is that legal ? I've started buying reclining chairs. I thought I could control it, you know just buy one, a good one, a stylish one from Norway or wherever it is that stylish recliners come from but it's all got out of control, I've got one for every room in the house, and  spare one in the garage. I've been looking at those ones that help you back to your feet. And is it too late to make everyone under thirty illegal ? Why ? Why can't we do that ?  It all makes sense now. Help me !!

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