ALIAS POOR YORICK

CLIVE PALMER AT REGULAR STAFF BRIEFING First, you may be experiencing a tingling feeling, a feeling of warmth and of general well-being. Do not be alarmed. This is because you are being addressed by me, Viscompte d' Coal-Bearing Deposits, Clive Palmer. Your feelings are perfectly natural. I am fabulous in all respects & damn near fatally attractive to all mammals. I am also a genius, which really goes without saying, but why take a chance?  I am here to explain everything.I did not enter politics for silly or trivial reasons. I like the seats. No really, they're great. Especially on the cross benches. You can really stretch out. But on to more pressing matters. Now, as you know I am extremely rich. Which makes me at least one hundred times smarter than the rest of you. I have two billion dollars, you have a mortgage. So shut up and listen: Abbott is a pompous idiot who pads his budgie smugglers with real budgies. Hockey thinks he's tough, but he couldn...

Wed 2nd July Got to Canberra. Exciting being a senator. Shouldn't have bought the kids along for the ride. Two of them threw up as we drove through Goulburn. Can't say I blame them, but. Met one of the other new senators, Jeff from the Ice Cream Headache party, you know, the blogging bitcoin billionaire. He told me if I really want to impress Tony Abbott when I meet him I should lick him on the face. He reckoned this is sort of like a secret language among politicians and it'd show him I know what's what. He was right. I tried it and Tony looked pretty surprised about how much I was in the know already. Thurs 3rd July Had a breakfast meeting with my new mate Clive Palmer. I licked him on the face and he didn't seem impressed at all. I'm starting to wonder just how much he really knows about politics. I asked him if I could drive his Rolls and he said no. Starting to wonder just how much of a mate he really is. Fri 4th July Had a bottle of Wild Turk...

BUZZWHIZQUIZ.COM in association with ALIAS POOR YORICK and Facebook presents "WHICH DEADLY SIN IS REALLY YOU?"  If you're sick of answering tragically transparent questions in order to find out which 60's folk band you should have been in or which one of Hitler's evil henchmen is really you (I got Goering. Embarrassing) then you may be ready to find out about your defining character defect. There are Seven Deadly Sins. Which one is you?  Press Play to Start                                            PLAY 1. Seven seems like an arbitrary number for Deadly Sins. Perhaps there should be one more. What do you think should be the Eighth Deadly Sin ? (a) Knowing the lyrics to the Pina Colada song (b) Being ambivalent about the use of the Oxford comma (c) Failing to travel at the correct speed when merging onto a Freeway (d) Actually seven seems like t...

AUSTRALIA REVEALS SECRET OF WIMBLEDON SUCCESS

  "MasterBastard" CARRY-OVER CHAMPION  TONY ABBOTT Ladies and gentlemen it's a very great honour to be here this evening and a very special feeling to win back-to-back MasterBastard series. This isn't something you do by yourself and I'd like to thank Rupert and Gina for giving me this opportunity. Now let me get straight to it. A few people, a small misguided but vocal minority have suggested I have broken election promises and even lied. This is a lie. I have never lied, nor could I ever lie. I am a Rhodes Scholar and not lying is one of our rules. What you have to understand is I was telling the truth then and what I said then is now still true but the facts have changed. This is the fault of the previous government. When you weren't looking, ladies and gentlemen, this evil Labour Government spent literally billions on geegaws and whizzbangs, on folderol and flutter-me-jubbles. They spent your pension money, ladies and gentlemen, on lollies and icecr...

STAFF LEARN OF CHANGES AT "ALIAS POOR YORICK" Here quick, hold this. Don't ask questions, this is an emergency. If anyone asks it's full of unmarked punchlines. And  you haven't seen me. Unless it's Richard Branson, in which case you have, but it was somewhere else. Tell him I needed the money for cab-fare and I'll get it back off Gina. Whatever. I'll sort it out later. You have to realise we have an emergency on our hands. The former editor has left this publication in a hell of a state and we're going to have to take drastic action. At this rate we'll have run out of jokes by the end of the decade, in fact damn it man we're running out of comedy material even as we speak. I don't care what the World Comedy Fund say about the health of this publication, we need to make cuts. Lots of them. I love making cuts. It make me feel alive.  Cut everything. Particularly wages. Paying people is killing us and it has to stop. They started poo...

Do mermaids really use luggage ?  Or for that matter, do mermaids need bathing caps ? Is it only 1950s' mermaids who wear them ? As you know, we here at ALIAS POOR YORICK insist on asking the difficult questions. Not always the big important ones, but the ones we ask are extremely interesting, like "Which pre-20th Century psychotic mass-killer are you ?"  I'm Vlad the Impaler. Go figure. But more importantly, do aliens live among us ? Surveys show that possibly as many as 17% of  Americans believe that aliens are here & living unnoticed among us. Why are they here ? Is it because Netflix will not allow them to purchase "House of Cards" on their home planet ? Do they wish to make contact with our old friends the ferrets in order to form some sort of superpower axis of awesomeness ?  Do they wish to learn all they can about our ways, then enslave us, and use us in a thousand unspeakable ways? Is it some sort of adventure holiday for them ?  Clearly...