ALIAS POOR YORICK

Best not ask where we got this info. Let's just say I lent Julian Assange a cup of lawyers a few months back & he's really grateful.... ... and forgive me if some of this is a bit disjointed - I had to fight Richard Wilkins for the notes and there's bits of  blood and peroxide all over them. Anyway, details so far:  So. Forget William and Kate -  this will be the wedding of the century. Angelina says it's all about the children, which explains why they plan to paint the south of France gold & fill it with hundreds of thousands of helium balloons. Asked if it was all going to be bigger than Ben Hur, Angelina frowned and said "Who's he? I don't think he's on the guest list"  The couple, known to their older children as Mommy and that guy from Fight Club, you know the one with the hair and the cigarettes, will be married on their estate in the south of France.   The simple but intensely moving and deeply spiritual service...

Traditional Love Ballad ( arr. The Pogues) Fuck I'm drunk & I'm drunk as fuck I'm drunk so drunk Couldn't give a fuck Buy me another whiskey I'll look better when you're drunk Buy us both a whiskey Are those my teeth Over there on the floor Oh fuck it Where's me whiskey Give me whiskey Or give me death But first give me whiskey Blood and mud & truth and death Well fuck that all that & that & that Darling just go get me more Of that famous Irish Whiskey (The Brendan Behan remix)

I for one welcome our new Ferret overlords. This has nothing to do with the fact that the Ferret Nation has seen fit to deed me the south island of New Zealand. And before harsh words fly I'd like to remind you all that collaborator is an ugly word. Not as ugly as axolotl but that's another matter. People, we need the Ferrets to lead us. They are kind and good and have very sharp teeth. The three essential  attributes of successful leaders. But wait, there's more ...                        WHY FERRETS WILL MAKE GREAT LEADERS 1. No ferret has ever uttered the phrase  "the jus served with the Chicken Bazerol lacked ethical coherence" 2. Ferrets can water ski and do differential calculus at the same time 3. Middle-aged white ferrets do not wear dreadlocks or buy Harleys & call their wives "my old lady" 4. All ferrets are adept at the much-malign...

          We are your leaders now

1.   You have a parrot that's addicted to drugs 2.   Your limo driver arrives at work in his own limo 3.   You want to change your name to  "The Artist Formerly Known As ..."        and you can't for the life of you remember what name it is        that people aren't allowed to call you anymore 4.    Leonard Cohen rocks up to sing in a tribute show to you 5.    A small South American country invites you to be its President 6.    You accept 7.    You buy a copy of your own tell-all autobiography to find out what         you did between 1983 and 1989 8.     You ring Madonna to find out if your marriage really ended that badly 7.     You get the feeling you're churning out the same old numbers 9.   ...

The new phone's brilliant. Don't know why I waited. I can make 3D videos, conference call heads-of-state in the Euro zone encouraging them not to default on loans, and instantly re-edit any major studio films that are giving me the shits. I can form my own city-state, arrange loans under the guidance of the International Monetary Fund, and apply for admission to the UN Security council. I can pretty much run my own space programme up to and including moon-shots and Mars exploration. Standard apps allow me to record a duet with Janis Joplin, play chess in real time with Stephen Hawking, and destabilise the governments of small Pacific nations. Apparently I even get a say in the election of the next Pope. Which is great because I'm pretty much sold on that $9.99 app which allows me to prove the existence of God. For an extra $19.95 a month I can even make phone calls. Oh. And you just can't try any of this stuff along Liverpool Rd between Canterbury Rd & ...

How many Kiwis does it take to change a lightbulb ? Two. One to change the bulb & one to bitch about how the lightbulbs are much better back in New Zealand.