ALIAS POOR YORICK

  Good morning, And I mean that. I'm Peter Dutton, the Leader of the Opposition, which means you can trust me when I say Good Morning. Not like that shifty Anthony Allebreezy or whatever his name is, you know, that chap who'd have you believe he's the Prime Minister. Well what I'd like to know is why he doeasn't just get on with the business of being Prime Minister instead of buying clifftop mansions for $4.3 million and flying all over the place First Class and being charming and funny on Spicks and Specks that well-known hiding place for communists and terrorist-sympathisers. That Adam Hill I don't trust him at all, he's only got one leg you know. And he keeps growing a beard which is how you can tell he's a terrorist at heart because well we all know terrorists have beards so they can hide weapons of mass destruction strapped to their necks instead of wearing a shirt and tie like normal people like me. Bloody foreigners. They come from overseas you kn...

 Thank you for joining us to celebrate 14 years of Alias Poor Yorick. You are all very kind. Pictured above is our CEO and Editor Jeff Browett. We think he is, as usual, trying to prove he really can talk underwater. Later he will attempt to blow out birthday candles underwater so that might be worth tuning in for (1130 AEST).  In the meantime the junior members of staff are celebrating our BIG FOURTEEN by getting drunk like 14 yr olds. This involves drinking 6 longnecks of DB Lager in half an hour before going into the party, and almost always ends with an hour of throwing up in a flowerbed before passing out. Seasoned party goers amongst our staff ... what am I saying, seasoned party goers are our staff. Anyway they appear to be pacing themselves, drinking coffee and reminiscing in French ..ah oui. Ou sont les cocaine binges d'antan ? before joing the senior editorial staff to gaze on the paper mountains of glowing reviews, encouraging comments, and official accolades we've ...

You'll need some fanatics. Bunnings has a good selection but if you're shopping on a Friday you'll be wanting to get there early as the best ones are usually taken by sundown. Keep women out of it as they tend to have a moderating and ecumenical approach, which is the last thing you want. Beards. You want as many beards as possible. Blokes with beards, automatic weapons, and a family history of mental illness going back at least three generations.                                          Next. Right. You've only got a couple of hours left so get a move on, lickety-split, and pick a fight at the UN in the morning session. Anything'll do. Complain that China's trying to keep you off the Security Council because you've been buying all your catmeat from Taiwan. Lodge a formal motion of censure. Then do a weird long and rambling lunchtime interview claiming that the Koran is a deep fake I...