ALIAS POOR YORICK

You're wondering whether it is better to wear fluorescent yellow or electric blue socks with your new red shoes. You may already be sixty. Sixty is largely about socks. No really.  And I hear you asking "Dude. I'm sixty. How do I do this thing ?" First, stop calling me Dude. We've talked about this before. And lose the ponytail. You may wear a ponytail only if you are a 19 yr old barista, or a Native American who either runs a casino or writes deeply spiritual poetry or ideally, both. Now, cheer up. On the bright side, you've actually managed to get to sixty. Here are some famous and accomplished people who never made sixty : Alexander the Great, Jesus, Justin Bieber. I know it seems a little early to make that call about Justin Bieber, but trust me he'll never make it. I have a plan. Which brings me to my next point:  although it makes an enormous amount of sense from a tidying-up-the-gene-pool-by-getting-rid-of-the-slow-and-the-weak point of view,...

A FIELD GUIDE TO THE EARLY STAGES OF LATE MIDDLE-AGE The very first thing you need to do is start early. Pack a lunch, some dry socks and maybe something to read. Being sixty doesn't just happen overnight. But, most important of all, don't die. I know this seems terribly obvious but you'd be surprised how many miss this simple but vital step. You have to pay attention. Of course there will always be accidents. True accidents for which you can't be blamed. Great chunks of frozen fish fall out of the sky, there's that random poisoning at a state banquet in Upper Volta, and how were you to know that the man driving the Hyundai that you gave the finger to was the Sergeant-at-Arms for the Bandidos. ( Please do not call these Acts-of-God. I've checked with God about this and he's gets a bit tetchy about the whole thing. He says this sort of stuff should more properly be called Acts-of-Gerry. Gerry is a miserable sod who lives in Melton and has nothing bett...

Start saving for those jokes now. Joke credit card maxed out. Editor drunk. Proof reading staff on durgs.

Very last final electoral college count delayed as Florida voters work out how to spell X.  Giuliani blames  Dems for insisting run-off elections  be held while Mercury in Retrograde. It's a Jupiter/Saturn conjunct, said Trump's Attorney-at-Large. It's a set-up. The fix is in. Anyone with half a brain can see that, said the lightly-perspiring legal titan, as teams of OHS experts mopped puddles of Clairol-for-Men off the stage.

                                                                                                                      Episode One       Death by Hedgehog  

GEE PA I CAN SEE THE FINAL EPISODE OF GAMES OF THRONES       In which Trump makes a surprise appearance as Prince Doald of the House of Scumthorpe. Also appearing Tony Abbott, Rick Astley, Fraser Anning, the drunken mouthy bitch from MAFS, Ruprecht Murdoch, Murdoch Murdoch, and Daryl Somers on drums.  Queen Jacinda cures cancer, fixes brexit, slays a rabid dragon. Then after breakfast ..... Jon Snow dies. Jon Snow comes back to life again That dwarfy guy is having sex with several hookers while advising the boy King Joffrey on the best way to establish his kingly "brand" by doing things like indiscriminatingly torturing and executing peasants and/or knights with bad hair cuts and atrocious accents when the writers simultaneously lose interest in the show altogether and fuck off to the pub. Those fucktards on Goggle-box aren't going to like this, says the producer.  The producer and the directors decide to join the writers down at the pub. Brilliant...

THIS ISN'T AS AS GOOD AS MARRIED AT FIRST SIGHT. OR EVEN THE BACHELORETTE OR THAT STUPID LOVE ISLAND OR QUESTION TIME IN PARLIAMENT. WHAT SORT OF A NAME FOR A REALITY SHOW IS COVID-19 Beryl and Sheryl Persill unimpressed at Ch 10 2020 schedule                     

PRESIDENT TRUMP (Left) AND MEDICAL ADVISER  RON DETERGENT Good afternoon, Ladies and Germs, it's great to be here, really . Of course at my age it's great to be anywhere. So a man stopped me on the way in and he said Please sir, you gotta help me, I'm starving. I haven't had a bite all day. So I bite him.( CHUCKLE CHUCKLE COUGH ... you know it's not the joke, it's the way you tell it. I'm just a naturally funny guy I'm blessed. So many talents,They had to set aside special rooms in the White House just to fit them all in... TAKES OUT PHONE .."Hello Room Service ? Send up a room ... COLLAPSES INTO HYSTERICAL GIGGLES .. See it's funny because it's true. It's really true. I need more room. A whole room's worth ...HYSTERICAL ... Yeah I dropped some acid, a couple of tabs of acid before the show. I'm cool. I'm where at it is with the hypster bros dude. So. So how's everyone going ? All right ? Anybody here died t...

covid19 diarist 11.30 :    Isolation. Self-isolation. Lockdown. What sort of cruel jokes are these. There is nothing new here. We are alone. Always alone. Born alone, live alone, die alone. Forgot to order breakfast. 11.47:        Alone so alone here in the Motel Mortality. The mediocrity of it all, the banality. Heidegger said it best, didn't he, when he said "I wish I'd remembered  to order breakfast " Schopenhauer would have remembered. 12.19 :  Check diary, have 4-hour block set aside from 1-5 : Attempt suicide. But why four hours. Usually only takes me half that time. Seems like wallowing in it. Should re-read Heidegger on this. 1.15pm:    Almost stayed in bed. Get up ? What for. The futility of it all. 1.40:     Caramelised-eel-and-paw- paw-icecream with weetbix for breakfast. It's all I deserve really. I might have coffee and then kill myself. 1.55:      Call from Valkerie my personal s...

A national cabinet meeting  friday may 8 to announce a press conference on monday may 11 which will report on the decisions of the national cabinet meeting on may 8 and some other stuff which may or may not have happened in the intervening interval and of course being dependant on those dickheads from the surfclub not stuffing it up for everybody else yet again ENTER THE PRIME MINISTER MR SCOTT MORRISON RESPLENDENT IN THE GOLD AND PURPLE DIGNITY OF HIGH ELECTED OFFICE OFFSET BY THE CHARMING AND CHEEKY GRIN OF AN ORDINARY TRUE BLUE AUSSIE WHO HAD ONE JOB TO DO AND HASN'T FUCKED IT UP. Let me make one thing perfectly clear ... we\re not there yet. But we can see from here where there may almost certainly be lurking. Now you've all put in a beaut effort, really good effort. Don't stop. It's vital if we want to keep going, that we don't stop. So we've decided a few restrictions can be lifted, particulary on tuesday and wednesday afternoons, and friday mor...

the covid19 diaries 7.49am: Woke up far too early. Keep having these terrible dreams where I have chronic insomnia, and then I wake up and can't back to sleep again for fear of being awake all night. It's a nightmare. 8.00am: Zoom meeting with spiritual advisor. Spiritual advisor refused to unmute me, told me that having four books of Rumi's poetry on the bookshelf next to a copy of Jonathon Livingstone Seagull  was bullshit and I should meditate more. Or less. Or was it masturbate Not quite clear as I was fiddling with Zoom back-drop of Kylie Minogue's bum.  Bill arrived for .0176 bitcoin. No cheques. 8.20am: Forgot how to make coffee. Made cup of instant while I tried to remember how to make  real coffee. 8.25am: Turned on Good Morning Sunrise Australia Mate with Biff, Blondie, Jonestown Massacre, and Gecko the weather reptile. 8.27pm: Overcome with inchoate rage and  suicidal impulses. Turned off Good Morning Sunrise Australia Mate after buying a se...