ALIAS POOR YORICK

Hello. As you were. Pay attention. Senator Lord Major-General Christopher "Sane-as-the-next-member-of-the-House-of-Lords" Monckton here. Please arise. I know I should make you stay kneeling there for the duration but I have rather a stiff neck and I spend most of my time looking down on people anyway. Where was I ? That's right. As I was saying, extensive scientific research has proved that I am right about pretty much everything, and you are a snivelling little irrelevance. As you will know if you have half a brain and I know that excludes most of you but never mind that listen up. Where was I ? Ah yes. At Oxford being brilliant but that was a long time ago and on reflection it may have been Cambridge. Shut up. I am a unique and brilliant man and am not to be bothered with trivial details. I'm here in Australia to take up my hereditary seat in the Upper House of your fine country. Australia, isn't it ? That's what Gina told me. By right granted to me in the...

     The management team here at ALIAS POOR YORICK heartily endorses the Liquor Industry's move to voluntarily put health warnings on all alcohol. We applaud such measures. In fact we applaud any moves to put reading matter on the back of bottles - poems, jokes, short stories, paragraphs of complete gibberish to bewilder the hopelessly drunk. Why not. And look Australia's a big country with a big thirst and a huge range of drinkers; clearly we need a wide range of warnings. We're here to help: CAUTION:  The Law of Gravity cannot be repealed by a majority vote of the five remaining drinkers in the back bar of the Elephant & Hearing-Aid at closing time WARNING: If the Opposition policy on climate change starts making sense STOP DRINKING IMMEDIATELY. Call a doctor. Hell, just go straight to your nearest emergency medical facility. NOW. WARNING: May cause delusions of artistic and intellectual competence. DO NOT attempt to write poetry, pl...

Wisdom. Compassion. Utes. I've got the t-shirt, I've seen the Daryl Llama. Not many people realise this but Australia has two spiritual centres. One of course is Ulhuru, and the other is Bluey's Ute World in Bayswater, Melbourne. Think about it: it's got everything - dogs, Utes, it's named after a suburb in London and it's nowhere near a bay or water. How Australian can you get?  So we gathered there to meet and greet the spiritual leader we all know as the Daryl Llama, true claimant to the Lucerne Throne of Australian Farming Buddhism since he was found at the age of three piloting a Combine Harvester while rolling a cigarette and collecting a six-pack for his father from the local drive-thru bottle-shop. He was spotted by the three wise persons of Australian Farming Buddhism - Kev, Trev, and Bev who immediately recognised our next spiritual leader and handed over the Celestial Thongs of Beautness to the young lad. We've all read his books "Sheep a...

BEAR GRYLLS !!  Live on Stage !! .... yes it's exciting stuff as we welcome to Melbourne the man who when all the other children simply threatened to go down the bottom of the garden and eat worms, actually went down the bottom of the garden and ate worms , taking with him only a small film crew to record visual proof for his mother that it was possible to survive alone and unaided down the bottom of the garden for periods of up to one hour (including commercial breaks).  What can we expect from this amazing man ? # Watch as Mr Grylls, armed only with steely determination, amazing survival skills and that weird black sweat make-up we plaster all over his forehead, stays alive by drinking water straight out of the tap using only some old polystyrene cups he's found under the sink ..... # Marvel as Mr Grylls survives the bitter cold of a Melbourne night by bribing the assistant floor manager to turn up the heating in the theatre # Be amazed as we all were to learn that ...

And while we're on the subject, it's a little-known fact that all cats can determine the specific gravity of any object or person just by looking at them. Unfortunately, because of their inability to speak, this unique and remarkable ability is pretty much a complete waste of time..... ... and look it could well be that it was thinking of stuff like this that caused me to drive erratically on the way down to ANGELS4U, our local psychic healing and beauty parlour (formerly Uncle Les's Used Cars and Barely-Disguised Stolen Goods Emporium). I guess I was a bit excited about their Tightarse Tuesday specials although to be honest I really wasn't in the mood for the high-colonic and aura cleansing ("We'll make your bowels and your aura bright pink !") for only $121.99 . But look I really love ANGELS4U - the world needs a place where you can go get a Brazilian & at the same time have Tarot reading to see if it was worth the trouble. And I've always been...