ALIAS POOR YORICK

 It was a day like any other day. Except it was dark, so it might have been night. I'd got up early to check out the Nikkei with a view to starting a bear run on Tesla stock because fuck Elon Musk Nothing personal, he just  really gives me the shits. I met him once, at Davos. Beat him at 3 dimensional chess and he still hasn't paid up, I mean it was only fifty grand and it was his idea to make it Krugerand. The OG of currencies. He accused me of cheating by knowing the rules, called me a poofter Star Trek tragic and stormed off. At least I can spell my childrens' names, I retorted wittily. Hey. I know. Let's see who can make the most anagrams of your name in one minute. Double or nothing. Or are you afraid of a challenge, Mr Lone Skum. Or should that be Noel Smuk. What about Mone Sulk ? Eh ? Eh ? But he was gone. Stormed off in a petulant frenzy. Which I still think is a stupid name for a car.                                                                           I&#

 It's Day 1463 of the Tour de France. Your Facebook feed is full of promos for Lifestyle Community real estate opportunities and funeral plans. And it's your birthday tomorrow. Your spouse got Putin & Rasputin the Borsoi Hounds and the fake Brett Whiteleys in the divorce settlement before buggering off to Noosa to spend some quality time with her Pilates instructor Pieter the former Olympic gymnast and professional Scandinavian. And it's your birthday tomorrow. You wouldn't mind so much if they hadn't fucked off with the last of the cocaine and your best three bottles of Grange Hermitage. And your favourite corkscrew. And it's your birthday tomorrow. You've spent the night watching Inspector Morse and repeats of Parliament Question Time. Bob Katter has just asked his usual colourfully incoherent question, rabbiting on about the contribution of Christianity to Modern Society. Something to do with having got rid of human sacrifice, Snake River Gods, and Sa

I know what you're thinking: he's given away this whole blogging empire thing to take up that offer of the lead role in the Warrigal Players revival of "Mame". And believe me, it was tempting. But it's not the truth. We apologise. We're sorry. And there's really no excuse for it, which is why there's this excuse for it. And we'd like to apologise in advance for the poor quality of this excuse. What can I say, things have not been going well around here. You'll have noticed an absence of posts over the past seven weeks. I blame my idiot nephew Tarquin for a start off. Out-sourcing our entire diphthong production to Uzbekistan was, not to put too fine a point on it, fucking insane. This is the last time I take a holiday in July. It was big fun but. Went on one of those reality-adventure holidays. Got to steal actual oil-tankers with actual Somali pirates. Cool as. Next year I'm off on a truly authentic trek to the North Pole. Poorly p

                                                                                                                ARRIVAL CARD                                        Please answer all questions, except that one about pikelets. It really shouldn't be there, it just seemed like a good idea at the time. Welcome to New Zealand, and hey, we don't make fun of your vowel sounds. 1. Are you visiting for the Rugby World Cup ?  (a) yes  (b) no  (c) why not, what's wrong with you, don't you like sport ? Yeah okay, we know it's over but we had all these printed up about six months ago and we didn't want to waste them. Besides, we won that one. Pretty cool eh ? We beat the French 2. New Zealand is  ?   (a) awesome   (b) choice  (c) awesome and choice 3. Have you seen that show "Flight of the Concords" ? It's pretty funny, eh ? They're from New Zealand. Did you know that ? And Brett just won a best song Oscar. Awesome, eh ?  (a) Yes I know  (b) I&