ALIAS POOR YORICK

  SWIFT EXIT STITCH IN TIME FOR TAYLOR Narrow escape today for pop diva Taylor Swift after she cleverly avoided being in Kansas City for the giant piss-up occasioned by the KFC ( Kansas Fucking Chiefs ) winning a well-attended football game of some sort. It was the third year in a row the KFC had won and the fans seemed reasonably pleased. We understand Taylor Swift's boyfriend du jour is a valued member of the KFC  team and played an excellent game, causing the normally reserved Ms Swift to let out an excited squeal. We can neither confirm nor deny that Travis received the customary backseat of the limo passionate-but-chaste-embrace as the happy couple sped to the airport, sending her swiftly on her way to Australia where she will stage a number of wildly successful and very long concerts. Back to the carnage. Three shooters opened fire on the huge crowd, many of whom were not yet paralytically drunk All three were eventually quickly captured and arrested and advised of their...

      "The past is a foreign country. They do things differently there"  (L.P.Hartley)       "The past is a foreign country & the bastards won't renew my visa" ( J.M.Browett) So there I was sipping chamomile tea watching "Lewis" while balancing a heat-pack over a strained lower arm muscle ( Don't ask. All right I'll tell you. Scrabble injury. I was reaching for the dictionary to challenge "Quijxong". Bugger me it's a real  word. A kind of philosophical dilemma involving a Chinese canoe. Who knew) and I'm thinking I'm not old, I'm still a wild man, just the other night I stayed up till after ten-thirty writing angry letters to the Green guide about the sudden and tragic disappearance of Antiques Roadshow from the late Sunday afternoon timeslot. Don't call me old. I'll show you - I'll grow a ponytail and buy a Harley. Oh wait. Oh shit. Anyway, I'm not old, I'm still a wild man - guess wh...

      First, have a cigarette. It's probably best to wake up first, but I have been known to have a cigarette immediately before awakening or even before. Now dig out those barely-out-of-date nicotine patches you bought three years ago after chain smoking three packs of Marlboro Red at a party in Rehab. Apply liberally to the chest and upper arm areas. I know it says only one, but what sort of a wimp are you ? Go hard or go home. And check out the Krusty the Clown instructional video on YouTube. He recommends 15 - 20 at a time, at least until your body gets used to it. Now, by this time the patches will have kicked in, flooding your bloodstream with nicotine, fear, and anxiety. You may feel the need for a cigarette at this stage. I know I do, but I promised myself I wouldn't have one until I'd finished this blog. You could be in luck - this night be a short piece. Anyway, after that cigarette, don't have any more. Simple.