ALIAS POOR YORICK

THE PRIME MINISTER MALCOLM TURNBULL People of Australia, this is just a terrific little budget. It's beautifully designed, low mileage, and finished in a gorgeous duck-egg blue that'll take your breath away. It's in such great shape you'll never believe it's second-hand. Now let me make one thing perfectly clear: We have, and have always had, a strong and coherent position on Tax Reform. What has become apparent in recent days, however, is the possibility that our position is in the wrong place, given the prevailing winds and overall weather conditions. Which is why we are offering tax cuts to the middle class. Let me hasten to add that we are not in the business of changing our position willy-nilly in a tawdry attempt to buy votes, we are simply shifting it about three hundred yards up the hill over there by that big tree.Where the mining industry can get a better look at it. Now it's also true that we are offering massive tax cuts to the banks. We h...

DONALD TRUMP WITH NEW NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER Hello to all you proper American kids and Merry Easter. Welcome to the White House Easter-Egg Roll where we celebrate the birthday of Jesus by playing games and eating a lot of chocolate. It's a pity Melania couldn't join us here today. I'm pretty sure she was here, but she's been cropped out by the Fake News Media. Sad. As I look out over this sea of faces, I see an army of kids. And I'm reminded of how lucky we are to live in a country like America where we have the biggest and mightiest and greatest armed forces. Which is great. Really great. It's important to remember this stuff at Easter, especially if you're North Korea or Syria or any of those other countries in Europe who don't always agree with me. Which is sad for them. Before I go any further I'd like to take this opportunity to introduce our new Director of National Security, Insert Name Here. He's a close personal friend o...