ALIAS POOR YORICK

  Good morning, And I mean that. I'm Peter Dutton, the Leader of the Opposition, which means you can trust me when I say Good Morning. Not like that shifty Anthony Allebreezy or whatever his name is, you know, that chap who'd have you believe he's the Prime Minister. Well what I'd like to know is why he doeasn't just get on with the business of being Prime Minister instead of buying clifftop mansions for $4.3 million and flying all over the place First Class and being charming and funny on Spicks and Specks that well-known hiding place for communists and terrorist-sympathisers. That Adam Hill I don't trust him at all, he's only got one leg you know. And he keeps growing a beard which is how you can tell he's a terrorist at heart because well we all know terrorists have beards so they can hide weapons of mass destruction strapped to their necks instead of wearing a shirt and tie like normal people like me. Bloody foreigners. They come from overseas you kn...

 Thank you for joining us to celebrate 14 years of Alias Poor Yorick. You are all very kind. Pictured above is our CEO and Editor Jeff Browett. We think he is, as usual, trying to prove he really can talk underwater. Later he will attempt to blow out birthday candles underwater so that might be worth tuning in for (1130 AEST).  In the meantime the junior members of staff are celebrating our BIG FOURTEEN by getting drunk like 14 yr olds. This involves drinking 6 longnecks of DB Lager in half an hour before going into the party, and almost always ends with an hour of throwing up in a flowerbed before passing out. Seasoned party goers amongst our staff ... what am I saying, seasoned party goers are our staff. Anyway they appear to be pacing themselves, drinking coffee and reminiscing in French ..ah oui. Ou sont les cocaine binges d'antan ? before joing the senior editorial staff to gaze on the paper mountains of glowing reviews, encouraging comments, and official accolades we've ...

You'll need some fanatics. Bunnings has a good selection but if you're shopping on a Friday you'll be wanting to get there early as the best ones are usually taken by sundown. Keep women out of it as they tend to have a moderating and ecumenical approach, which is the last thing you want. Beards. You want as many beards as possible. Blokes with beards, automatic weapons, and a family history of mental illness going back at least three generations.                                          Next. Right. You've only got a couple of hours left so get a move on, lickety-split, and pick a fight at the UN in the morning session. Anything'll do. Complain that China's trying to keep you off the Security Council because you've been buying all your catmeat from Taiwan. Lodge a formal motion of censure. Then do a weird long and rambling lunchtime interview claiming that the Koran is a deep fake I...

The thing is  I've been chatting with my profile enhancement team about 'keeping it real' & they've suggested that I need to drop that fourth wall and talk to you directly about the man behind the billionaire blogger, CEO of the vast blogging empire ALIAS POOR YORICK, rich and famous and adored by dozens. About the real me. Just an ordinary bloke. A regular dude. And I can assure you that fame and wealth have not changed me a bit. Sure there's the odd extravagance: I bought NZ as a weekender, and I can afford to floss with spider silk, but underneath all that I'm just a man who puts his trousers on one leg at a time. Obviously I'm a very busy man so I employ a team of specialists to put my trousers on, but I have spoken to the team leader and he assures me my trousers are in fact put on one leg at a time. Just like an ordinary man....  Perhaps if I take you through an average day - I wake up, skype Sting and we do a little yoga togethe...

Justin Timberlake yesterday pleaded guilty to three separate charges of being Justin Timberlake and one secondary charge of attempting a crap joke when he refused to take a roadside sobriety test because the officer had not allowed him sufficient rehearsal time. Mr Timberlake was sentenced to six months of not being Justin Timberlake, and ordered to do 28 days of community service which will consist of lecturing Justin Bieber about the dangers of being too pretty. In other news from the People's Republic of America, Donald Trump has been found guilty on 457 charges of being Donald Trump both on a State and Federal level. Mr Trump's team of eight hundred and four lawyers have told reporters he will be appealing. There is so far no evidence of this & a totally legitimate world-wide survey taken over the weekend has revealed that approximately three billion people would really like Mr Trump to fuck off and die. And then fuck off some more. No further. Further. We can still see...

  In a brief but terrifying speech last month Opposition Leader and Shadow Minister for Blunt Force Trauma, Peter John Edward Normal Name Dutton, said it was all the fault of foreigners and if we wanted to get more houses for real proper Australians we should put a stop to foreigners altogether before they come over here and buy up all our invisible houses and rent them out to their university student families with names like Tran and deWahlui and Ma Zedong.  You know I'm right, said Dutton, I've been right before and I'll be right again. It's all their fault, those darned foreigners. Why can't they just stay home and send their money without annoying us with their actual physical presence. I'm a busy man, spluttered Herr Von Dutton, and so are all the blokes in my shadow cabinet, even the girls. We've got nuclear power stations to build and sadly dated monetary policies to pursue. I simply don't have time to deal with people who have names that are impo...