ALIAS POOR YORICK

You're wondering whether it is better to wear fluorescent yellow or electric blue socks with your new red shoes. You may already be sixty. Sixty is largely about socks. No really.  And I hear you asking "Dude. I'm sixty. How do I do this thing ?" First, stop calling me Dude. We've talked about this before. And lose the ponytail. You may wear a ponytail only if you are a 19 yr old barista, or a Native American who either runs a casino or writes deeply spiritual poetry or ideally, both. Now, cheer up. On the bright side, you've actually managed to get to sixty. Here are some famous and accomplished people who never made sixty : Alexander the Great, Jesus, Justin Bieber. I know it seems a little early to make that call about Justin Bieber, but trust me he'll never make it. I have a plan. Which brings me to my next point:  although it makes an enormous amount of sense from a tidying-up-the-gene-pool-by-getting-rid-of-the-slow-and-the-weak point of view,...

A FIELD GUIDE TO THE EARLY STAGES OF LATE MIDDLE-AGE The very first thing you need to do is start early. Pack a lunch, some dry socks and maybe something to read. Being sixty doesn't just happen overnight. But, most important of all, don't die. I know this seems terribly obvious but you'd be surprised how many miss this simple but vital step. You have to pay attention. Of course there will always be accidents. True accidents for which you can't be blamed. Great chunks of frozen fish fall out of the sky, there's that random poisoning at a state banquet in Upper Volta, and how were you to know that the man driving the Hyundai that you gave the finger to was the Sergeant-at-Arms for the Bandidos. ( Please do not call these Acts-of-God. I've checked with God about this and he's gets a bit tetchy about the whole thing. He says this sort of stuff should more properly be called Acts-of-Gerry. Gerry is a miserable sod who lives in Melton and has nothing bett...

Start saving for those jokes now. Joke credit card maxed out. Editor drunk. Proof reading staff on durgs.

Very last final electoral college count delayed as Florida voters work out how to spell X.  Giuliani blames  Dems for insisting run-off elections  be held while Mercury in Retrograde. It's a Jupiter/Saturn conjunct, said Trump's Attorney-at-Large. It's a set-up. The fix is in. Anyone with half a brain can see that, said the lightly-perspiring legal titan, as teams of OHS experts mopped puddles of Clairol-for-Men off the stage.

                                                                                                                      Episode One       Death by Hedgehog