ALIAS POOR YORICK

The government today assured everyone that everything was all right. A spokesperson for the government said that earlier reports to the effect that everything was not all right were wrong. "These things happen in today's fast-changing political landscape", said the unfortunate and sweating minor public official. Apparently things were in fact really bad but the government has now decided the most effective solution is to look at it all in a much more positive light. And besides, it was all the fault of the previous government. Minister for Looking Like A Spiv, Christopher Pyne, declared that while his Higher Education Reform Bill had theoretically been defeated in the Senate, the reforms would still be effected because of secret "I've Fixed It" legislation which guarantees that if Mr Pyne says "I've fixed it" three times in a row accompanied by a nervous high-pitched giggle then it's fixed. This legislation was passed in a late nigh

Oh yes, I am wise. But it's wisdom born of pain. Yes, I've paid the price, but look how much I've gained. If I have to, I can do anything. I am strong. Yes I'm strong. I am invincible. Yes invincible. I am woman. And why do I, Tony Abbott, on the surface a man, and yes a man with rather more chest hair than is currently fashionable, claim and declaim to you here today, that I am a woman. Because in a very real sense I am a woman. I identify. It is no accident that I am the Minister for Women in this government. I know what it is to be bullied and pushed around by arrogant men in suits and blue ties. I know what it is to be laughed and and treated as second best. I know what it is to be objectified and treated as a mere sexual object. Women of Australia I share your oppression. You get to a point where you understand in a very real and meaningful way that men and women are exactly the same except for that not having a penis thing. And the PMS. Crikey that's