ALIAS POOR YORICK

  "MasterBastard" CARRY-OVER CHAMPION  TONY ABBOTT Ladies and gentlemen it's a very great honour to be here this evening and a very special feeling to win back-to-back MasterBastard series. This isn't something you do by yourself and I'd like to thank Rupert and Gina for giving me this opportunity. Now let me get straight to it. A few people, a small misguided but vocal minority have suggested I have broken election promises and even lied. This is a lie. I have never lied, nor could I ever lie. I am a Rhodes Scholar and not lying is one of our rules. What you have to understand is I was telling the truth then and what I said then is now still true but the facts have changed. This is the fault of the previous government. When you weren't looking, ladies and gentlemen, this evil Labour Government spent literally billions on geegaws and whizzbangs, on folderol and flutter-me-jubbles. They spent your pension money, ladies and gentlemen, on lollies and icecr...

STAFF LEARN OF CHANGES AT "ALIAS POOR YORICK" Here quick, hold this. Don't ask questions, this is an emergency. If anyone asks it's full of unmarked punchlines. And  you haven't seen me. Unless it's Richard Branson, in which case you have, but it was somewhere else. Tell him I needed the money for cab-fare and I'll get it back off Gina. Whatever. I'll sort it out later. You have to realise we have an emergency on our hands. The former editor has left this publication in a hell of a state and we're going to have to take drastic action. At this rate we'll have run out of jokes by the end of the decade, in fact damn it man we're running out of comedy material even as we speak. I don't care what the World Comedy Fund say about the health of this publication, we need to make cuts. Lots of them. I love making cuts. It make me feel alive.  Cut everything. Particularly wages. Paying people is killing us and it has to stop. They started poo...