ALIAS POOR YORICK

After many years of intense thinking , I was struck the other afternoon at about four-thirty-five by the answers to pretty much everything. Not quite total truth, but at least a working model thereof. A compendium of complete wisdom, if you will. Or even if you won't. And I think it's extremely unkind of my friends to suggest that this moment of clarity came after I'd quaffed 14 double-shot lattes in my new position as Quality Assurance Director down at Mondo Espresso. This is harsh. Now, as we all know, Direct and Inverse Scattering for Beltrami Fields ( or "Far Field Theory") depicts stability after chaos upon reaching the theoretical point of infinity. What I now know is that is also guarantees the universal truth of the following: (a) Never take a spoon to a knife fight (b) It's really hard to look tough when you're driving a Hyundai Excel (c) Any sentence which begins with "Simply" is a damn lie, and any sentence containing ...

 LANCE PEPTIDE, CAUGHT IN THE ACT Accusations and awkward alliterations (& abysmal syntax) are flying as World drug authorities concede for the first time the true extent of the infiltration of sport and sports-related activities into the drug-taking world.  And it's been going on for years, claims Lance Peptide (pictured above) who talked publicly about his own involvement in sport after being photographed by paparazzi while clearly dressed in some sort of athletic outfit and taking part in field & track activity instead of drinking the beer and snorting the three lines of meth crystals laid out on the serving tray. I am scum, said Mr Peptide, and I am not alone. Nor is this a recent development. I can remember my cocaine dealer back in the mid-eighties turning up to a drug meet in a cricket jumper. Didn't give a stuff. And I can give you names right now, I'm not going to but I could, of several well-known high-ranking cocaine an...