ALIAS POOR YORICK

After many years of intense thinking , I was struck the other afternoon at about four-thirty-five by the answers to pretty much everything. Not quite total truth, but at least a working model thereof. A compendium of complete wisdom, if you will. Or even if you won't. And I think it's extremely unkind of my friends to suggest that this moment of clarity came after I'd quaffed 14 double-shot lattes in my new position as Quality Assurance Director down at Mondo Espresso. This is harsh. Now, as we all know, Direct and Inverse Scattering for Beltrami Fields ( or "Far Field Theory") depicts stability after chaos upon reaching the theoretical point of infinity. What I now know is that is also guarantees the universal truth of the following: (a) Never take a spoon to a knife fight (b) It's really hard to look tough when you're driving a Hyundai Excel (c) Any sentence which begins with "Simply" is a damn lie, and any sentence containing ...

POPE YORICK II   * (This post contains no horse meat)   ** (This post contains small amounts of recycled comedy, in keeping with our Keep Comedy Green policy) I shouldn't really be talking about this yet, I mean nothing's confirmed ... you didn't even know I was papabile did you ( for the tiny minority of my readers who don't already know, this means shortlisted for the pope gig, one of the chosen few, a likely contender, and while we're on the subject it's not too late to get a few bucks down on me, I think you can still get 12 or even 15 to 1 odds, money for jam because it's pretty much a lock, just a couple of contractual details and your obdt svt will be installed as Pope Yorick II. I'm not saying money has changed hands, I'm just saying this is a bet you can't lose )  But wait, I hear you say, you're not even a catholic. And you're right, and my point is, so what ? You've had an all-catholic team in the Vatican up to no...

 LANCE PEPTIDE, CAUGHT IN THE ACT Accusations and awkward alliterations (& abysmal syntax) are flying as World drug authorities concede for the first time the true extent of the infiltration of sport and sports-related activities into the drug-taking world.  And it's been going on for years, claims Lance Peptide (pictured above) who talked publicly about his own involvement in sport after being photographed by paparazzi while clearly dressed in some sort of athletic outfit and taking part in field & track activity instead of drinking the beer and snorting the three lines of meth crystals laid out on the serving tray. I am scum, said Mr Peptide, and I am not alone. Nor is this a recent development. I can remember my cocaine dealer back in the mid-eighties turning up to a drug meet in a cricket jumper. Didn't give a stuff. And I can give you names right now, I'm not going to but I could, of several well-known high-ranking cocaine an...

BUT FIRST A JOKE :  How many Australians does it take to change a lightbulb ?  What's wrong with the lightbulb ? That's a bloody good Aussie lightbulb. I dunno, you come over here, get on the dole, steal our women, and then have the cheek to whinge about our lightbulbs. My father died in the war for that lightbulb. Well okay he didn't die in the war, but he once got so pissed on Anzac Day that he had to take three days off work. And let's not even talk about Vietnam. He went there on a Tiger Airlines tour once and got so bloody crook from a pork roll we thought he might lose a kidney. And all you bloody foreigners can do is criticize our lightbulbs !  You can all bugger off.   PROFESSOR JEFRI L'ÉSTRANGE, SENIOR LECTURER IN SOME SORT OF BULLSHIT AT THE UNIVERSITY OF WEST RINGWOOD At first glance, it might seem that anyone as screamingly flamboyant as this would be a shoo-in for this honour, but it's not as straight-forward as ...