ALIAS POOR YORICK

  You're all important busy people. You haven't got time to hang around all night reading long-winded porn. We've extracted the essence for you.   Billionaire teenager, Christian Grey, has seduced whatshername, you know, the virgin, by sending her hundreds of bafflingly inane emails and showing her pictures of his helicopter while whipping her with a  rolled-up copy of the Wall St Journal.  Finally she is ready. He whips off his incredibly expensive underpants, allowing his enormously wealthy penis to spring forth."Crikey", she gasps, and has several impressive orgasms.  He ties her up with albino-mink handcuffs and starts to have sex with her, plunging his enormously wealthy and sophisticated penis into her moist trembling share portfolio."Golly gosh", she exclaims breathlessly.They both have about fourteen or fifteen unbelievably incredibly intense orgasms before stopping for a cigarette. "Gee Whiz" she sighs. While they r...

Since being put in charge, the ferrets have thought long and hard about the spiritual malaise they see around them. They wanted to find a desert and wander into it in search of answers, but couldn't find one close to public transport, so took themselves off to Melton. Which is close enough. There are no mountains in Melton, so it was arranged for the "Moses'' committee to meet up with God in an old scout hall behind Aldi and hammer out a few ideas. It's probably fair to say that the ferret concept of God is closer to Fair Work Australia than your more traditional Judeo-Christian figure. There's a lot of room for negotiation. And cups of tea. And date scones. This is a draft copy of the commandments, to be ratified by the members. 1. Thou shalt not try to get out of a body corporate AGM by declaring that you have to stay home, get naked, smear yourself with whale blubber and watch the Christmas episode of Downton Abbey 2. Thou shalt never, u...