ALIAS POOR YORICK

Do mermaids really use luggage ?  Or for that matter, do mermaids need bathing caps ? Is it only 1950s' mermaids who wear them ? As you know, we here at ALIAS POOR YORICK insist on asking the difficult questions. Not always the big important ones, but the ones we ask are extremely interesting, like "Which pre-20th Century psychotic mass-killer are you ?"  I'm Vlad the Impaler. Go figure. But more importantly, do aliens live among us ? Surveys show that possibly as many as 17% of  Americans believe that aliens are here & living unnoticed among us. Why are they here ? Is it because Netflix will not allow them to purchase "House of Cards" on their home planet ? Do they wish to make contact with our old friends the ferrets in order to form some sort of superpower axis of awesomeness ?  Do they wish to learn all they can about our ways, then enslave us, and use us in a thousand unspeakable ways? Is it some sort of adventure holiday for them ?  Clearly...

The young Royals have a lot to live up to. This is what happened when The Queen and The Prince Phillip visited a couple of years ago. Mayhem and everything. A Right Royal Visit indeed. Lift your game Will & Kate: How anyone can describe this royal visit as boring is a mystery to the staff here at ALIAS POOR YORICK. We are abuzz and agog. Especially Royal Reporter-at-Large Paul Yorick... We joined the Queen & Prince Phillip last night at Trades Hall for the  Rain dance & Crop blessing ceremony. Jacked up on crack and rum, the royal couple daubed the traditional possum-blood stripes on their faces before sacrificing a goat, three mice, and Derryn Hinch in order to ensure bountiful crops for next year. The ceremony concluded with the crowd & the Royals joining in an a capella version of Khe Sanh. Then it was into the ceremonial stolen EH wagon for a red-light-crashing drive down to Fitzroy St & some serious pool hustling at Benny's Bennies & Benzos A...

Late Braking News Action being taken today by the Australian Writers of Comedy Wackiness And Risible Drivel (AWCWARD)  against former foreign minister Bob Carr after he boasted of extensive self-parody in his recent book "I Want My Muesli Now". Writers claim that parody is their business, and that Bob Carr should stick to what he's good at - embarrassing Australia overseas. The comedy writers intend to extend the legal fight, setting in motion a class action against all Australian politicians, with particular reference to the NSW Liberal party, and seeking specific damages from former Premier Barry O'Farrell, Senator Arthur Sinodinos, and PM Mr Tony Abbott. "They're doing us out of a job", said Jeff Browett,  AWCWARD Victorian Branch Assistant Treasurer, who went on to explain: "It's basically a demarcation dispute. We're suing them for restraint of trade, practising comedy without a license, and some other legal and grown-up soundi...

Senator Arthur Sinodinos at Corruption Hearings Q: Are you Senator Arthur Sinodinos ? Oh I say, steady on. There's no need for that sort of language Q: Are you Senator Arthur Sinodinos, Assistant Treasurer in the Abbott government ?  I don't know. I don't recall  Q: It's a simple question Senator. Please answer. And that's another thing. I agreed to come along here out of the goodness of my heart ... Q: You were subpoenaed That too. But apart from that, I'm here out of the goodness of my heart to help sort things out. I didn't expect some sort of inquisition. Q: This is a corruption inquiry. Questions will be asked. That's pretty much how this how thing works. Yeah all right, but youse have got to stop picking on me Q: No-one's picking on you Senator. We're simply asking questions. If we could return to the period of time you were chairman of Australian Water Holdings ... I protest. that's an outrageous suggestion....

GARY, HAIR TO THE THRONE Firstly, let me make one thing perfectly clear. This is an important election and it is vital that you elect Greens candidate Senator Scott Ludlam. Our parliament needs this hair, and the brain which lies beneath. If you do not vote for Senator Scott Ludlam radioactive weevils with deep-seated psychological problems will eat your brain. Or even worse, the Senate will be controlled by Tony Abbott and his coalition of evil flying monkeys.  VOTE (1) SCOTT & GARY. You won't be sorry. Now. Some important tips: (a) If you turn up in tee shirt and jeans, apologizing for having left your dinner suit at the cleaners, this will not necessarily count as an informal vote. We will just be quietly disappointed. You could have made an effort. This is as I said an important election. Would it kill you to at least wear a jacket and tie ? (b) You cannot vote for this man, or for his hair. I know both of them are still all over the news, but he has nothing to...