ALIAS POOR YORICK

1.   You have a parrot that's addicted to drugs 2.   Your limo driver arrives at work in his own limo 3.   You want to change your name to  "The Artist Formerly Known As ..."        and you can't for the life of you remember what name it is        that people aren't allowed to call you anymore 4.    Leonard Cohen rocks up to sing in a tribute show to you 5.    A small South American country invites you to be its President 6.    You accept 7.    You buy a copy of your own tell-all autobiography to find out what         you did between 1983 and 1989 8.     You ring Madonna to find out if your marriage really ended that badly 7.     You get the feeling you're churning out the same old numbers 9.   ...

The new phone's brilliant. Don't know why I waited. I can make 3D videos, conference call heads-of-state in the Euro zone encouraging them not to default on loans, and instantly re-edit any major studio films that are giving me the shits. I can form my own city-state, arrange loans under the guidance of the International Monetary Fund, and apply for admission to the UN Security council. I can pretty much run my own space programme up to and including moon-shots and Mars exploration. Standard apps allow me to record a duet with Janis Joplin, play chess in real time with Stephen Hawking, and destabilise the governments of small Pacific nations. Apparently I even get a say in the election of the next Pope. Which is great because I'm pretty much sold on that $9.99 app which allows me to prove the existence of God. For an extra $19.95 a month I can even make phone calls. Oh. And you just can't try any of this stuff along Liverpool Rd between Canterbury Rd & ...

How many Kiwis does it take to change a lightbulb ? Two. One to change the bulb & one to bitch about how the lightbulbs are much better back in New Zealand.

How many Australians does it take to change a light bulb ? What's wrong with that light bulb ? That's a good Aussie light bulb. My grandfather fought for that light bulb. If you don't like our light bulb you can just piss off back where you came from.