* Results may vary : Day 54



Welcome back again to the 2016 Election Campaign 

 Or should that be welcome and goodnight. Shock waves here in Canberra tonight after PM Malcolm Turnbull visited the Governor General to officially request a double dissolution of Parliament leading to an election on July 2, only to be soundly rebuffed. "Fuck off" he was told by Governor General Peter Cosgrove. "Fuck off. That's a really fucking stupid idea and I won't fucking go along with it. It's probably un-fucking-Australian  and I'll be fucked if I'll fucking well be part of it. Now fuck off and when you've done that fuck off some more you overprivileged buffoon. And take your fucking four hundred dollar haircut and your mink underpants with you". Which is hardly the way you'd expect a representative of the Queen to talk, unless of course you're representing a Queen who is 90 years old and it's Mothers Day and none of her bloody children have bothered to ring her. I mean fuck.

But anyway. So that's it. No election. No election campaign. No daily deadlines for ALIAS POOR YORICK. See you in the back bar of the Elephant & False Address.

Editor's Note 

Oh dear. Ah sigh. We apologise. This is what you get for sending a $4 dollar-an-hour intern out on an important assignment like this. And much as I love the idea of Peter Cosgrove telling Malcolm Turnbull to fuck off and then fuck off some more, the fact is none of this ever happened. There will be an election on July 2, the Governor General did not swear 27 times at the Prime Minister, and Prince Charles remembered just after lunch to ring his mother. We have found the reporter in question a job with Channel Ten news.

And in other actual Election news, opposition leader Bill Shorten has established a thematic arc for his campaign by visiting the site of one of the worst industrial disasters in recent history. It seemed like  good idea at the time, bleated one of his many ashen-faced advisers

Here is a picture of two people in Christopher Pyne's electorate watching Channel Seven accept the Logie for best home renovation show on Channel Seven at 7.30 on a Tuesday night.

                                                                             

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

HOW TO NOT SHOOT TAYLOR SWIFT

Image
  SWIFT EXIT STITCH IN TIME FOR TAYLOR Narrow escape today for pop diva Taylor Swift after she cleverly avoided being in Kansas City for the giant piss-up occasioned by the KFC ( Kansas Fucking Chiefs ) winning a well-attended football game of some sort. It was the third year in a row the KFC had won and the fans seemed reasonably pleased. We understand Taylor Swift's boyfriend du jour is a valued member of the KFC  team and played an excellent game, causing the normally reserved Ms Swift to let out an excited squeal. We can neither confirm nor deny that Travis received the customary backseat of the limo passionate-but-chaste-embrace as the happy couple sped to the airport, sending her swiftly on her way to Australia where she will stage a number of wildly successful and very long concerts. Back to the carnage. Three shooters opened fire on the huge crowd, many of whom were not yet paralytically drunk All three were eventually quickly captured and arrested and advised of their righ
Read more

LEST WE FORGET © ANZAC 2019 ™ ®

Image
Of course I fought at Gallipoli. I was only a fetus, so I had to lie about my age. And my height. I had to lie about a lot of things. I hated the taste of beer and I didn't know the words to Waltzing Matilda, but I was buggered if I was going to let that stand in the way of dying for my country. Or someone else's country. War isn't supposed to make sense. They say the first casualty of war is truth. In my case the first casualty of war was a Louis Vuitton trunk containing my best dinner suit, three ounces of Turkish opium, and a particularly fine collection of Persian erotica. Sunk without trace after a luggage tender capsized at Alexandria. A tragedy. I was on my way to Paris to cover the war as a freelance correspondent and I had no idea of the horrors I was to face. Without a decent dinner jacket. You people have no idea. Gallipoli. It was hell. When I say I fought at Gallipoli, I really mean I saw action at Gallipoli. Well, I mean I saw some photos of the plac
Read more

HOW TO GIVE UP SMOKING

Image
      First, have a cigarette. It's probably best to wake up first, but I have been known to have a cigarette immediately before awakening or even before. Now dig out those barely-out-of-date nicotine patches you bought three years ago after chain smoking three packs of Marlboro Red at a party in Rehab. Apply liberally to the chest and upper arm areas. I know it says only one, but what sort of a wimp are you ? Go hard or go home. And check out the Krusty the Clown instructional video on YouTube. He recommends 15 - 20 at a time, at least until your body gets used to it. Now, by this time the patches will have kicked in, flooding your bloodstream with nicotine, fear, and anxiety. You may feel the need for a cigarette at this stage. I know I do, but I promised myself I wouldn't have one until I'd finished this blog. You could be in luck - this night be a short piece. Anyway, after that cigarette, don't have any more. Simple.
Read more