ALIAS POOR YORICK

 ........ did he say a moment's silence or a minute's silence ?  I can't remember, God I hate these things  .. I need some really solemn respectful thoughts. We're remembering this woman .. you know .. whatsername .. it doesn't matter if I didn't know her. No man is an island; do not ask for whom the bell tolls, just google Ernest Hemingway .. what ? ... you'd think I could just concentrate on this person for just a  .. I wonder who gets to name cars, that'd be a good job. I could do that. A Toyota Hypochondria .. Would you actually be driving one, or would you just think you were? I'm going to open my eyes for a second. Hah. Caught you. You don't have to look embarrassed I mean  it's not a rule. Or is it ?  Why don't Volkswagen make a "Nuremberg". Best ever name for a rally car. I'm bad. I'm going to hell . There's no hell. Yes there is, and all they do all day is play back-to-back episodes of Junior MasterChef. And

1.  Ferrets are incredibly vain and will, especially at this time of year, spend upwards of $500 on fancy hairstyles involving bows, jewellery, and ornaments carved out of dried rabbit dung 2. Ferrets mistakenly believe they are excellent dancers 3. Ferrets played a vital role in WW Two: a German-speaking ferret met secretly with Hitler & was instrumental in persuading him to attack Russia, opening up the war on two fronts & fatally weakening the Axis war effort. 4. Ferrets feel no personal animosity towards rabbits - it's purely business 5. Ferrets love to visit fun-fairs and look at themselves in those distorting mirrors shouting "Look at me I'm an otter" 6. Shakespeare paid a ferret named Guillaume forty-seven guineas to write "Titus Andronicus" when he was a bit pushed for time 7. Asked to chose between "glass half full" and "glass half empty" most ferrets will simply suggest filling the glass up 8. Ferrets belie

This post brought to you by Jim's Fixing-That-Annoying-Squeak-Behind-The-Dashboard-Of-Your-Two-Yr-Old-Car  (FRANCHISES AVAILABLE)   & Jim's Afghanistan Black Ops ( FRANCHISES AVAILABLE .. Just hang around the public bar of The Elephant & Hearing Aid looking dodgy - we'll be in touch ) THE STORY SO FAR:                      COMEDY UNAVAILABLE AT THIS TIME   Please check later                                               We have the final part of an encoded cable from ALIAS POOR YORICK CEO Jeff Browett which reads Cancel Christmas parody post. Christmas over and done. Keep Mr Yorick away from the espresso machine and run the ferret piece. Ferrets always funny. 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a Klingon counter-tenor auditioning for West Side Story I SAID STOP THAT & RUN THE FERRET PIECE      JMB, CEO APY                                                         

The story so far: Evil blogging genius Jeff Browett has learjetted off on holiday to a top-secret location in the Bahamas where he plans to spend his summer in a computer-lined cave laughing maniacally while explaining in complete detail his plans for world domination to his nemesis. Or a nemesis. Or pretty much anyone. A bloke from the temping agency, whatever. It's the holidays - you take what you can get. Taking with him his wife, a swag of sourdough bread recipes, and the office laptop (the one with Jokecheck), he has left Duty Editor Paul Yorick in charge of the office & more importantly - writing the obligatory Christmas parody based either on Dicken's A Christmas Carol, The Grinch Who stole Xmas, or if you feel up to getting seriously weird on it, Citizen Kane. One of the less traditional Christmas fables. Mr Yorick is struggling .. " Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, Not a creature was stirring, not even a particle physicist

But first an apology. We deeply regret the tone of the previous post "Christmas Presence". We are not in the business of badgering our readers. The piece was written by Mr Paul Yorick who tells me he had been under a great deal of pressure and had finally found a barista who would sell him a triple-shot latte along with a triple-chocolate brownie. He tells me he deeply regrets the outburst & has agreed to intensive counselling and several guided-meditation sessions. He is currently resting under mild sedation and has been temporarily demoted to Duty Editor. I think there's a lesson in this for all of us. Mr Yorick also omitted to post this sms we received from German reader Frdrch ("Vowels are for the weak") Ntzsch :   "That which does not destroy me makes me think about taking out full hospital cover with Medicare Private" But on to more pressing matters. I have received a visit from the Klingon cultural attache, General Harsh Guttural Sound,

As we warned you, occasionally news of an actual factual type will sneak in. Here's todays. In Chicago there's an all-Klingon theatrical version of a Christmas Carol playing even as we speak. In itself impressive enough, but it seems it's their fourth season. Brilliant. I don't know where they found the actors. As you all know, Klingons are not known for their thespian prowess. No Klingon has ever won an academy award. So it's hats off to our friends in Chicago. Apparently some changes have been made to the story. Tiny Tim's final blessing "God bless us everyone" translates to "May the blood of your enemies flow down in a joyful torrent for seven lifetimes" I would wrap this up with a few well-chosen Christmas thoughts in Klingon, but I'm here at a public facility where they have no Klingon Translator on the toolbar. Dear God I am among savages ! So until I can get home, Merry Xmas & may the blood of your enemies flow in a joyfu

PUBLISHING MOGUL IN PAINTING FRAUD CEO of blogging empire ALIAS POOR YORICK, Jeff Browett, admitted to a friend in an encrypted phone call that he had promised to paint the house this summer but really couldn't be rooted and would spend the time at the beach instead. His wife was not shocked. This post bought to you by JIM'S TALIBAN IMPERSONATORS ( Franchises available)

Exciting news for discerning viewers as Ch Nine starts up its 9YouEffingLittleBeauty summertime boys-own channel. Yes it's Two & a Half Men 24/7 and in 3D. Pass me the VB, bloke. But first, our competition winner Mr B. Brecht of Upper Plenty who sent in... "He who laughs last is most likely to be detained for psychiatric evaluation" Mr Brecht's entry ties with that of Mr Kurt Weill of Melton who sent in his favourite actual newspaper headline of the year: LESBIAN SEX FEUD STOPS BRADY BUNCH REUNION More exciting news for summertime tv viewers. Ch 10 presents: MasterRaceChef Ve have ways of making you torte IMPORTANT EDITORIAL ANNOUNCEMENT:   This truly terrible joke was written by our Editor-at-Large, Mr Paul Yorick and is the sort of thing that could only happen during the holiday season when we are short-staffed and rushed off our feet. It does not necessarily reflect what we laughingly refer to as the editorial policy of this publication. Mr Yor

GEO-POLITICAL SHOCK Earth not perfectly round. Slightly flat at poles.

PREDICTION SHOCK NOT PREDICTED Secret cables from Nostradamus to his friend Jim reveal   " .. basically I just made up all this shit ..."

CORPORATE SHOCK Darren Smith-Jones in IT . Madison in Accounts thinks you're a bit of a wanker

Wiki. Kiwi. A simple anagram, or a deeply shocking coincidence ? I'm just asking the question. We need to look at these things.And is it simply a coincidence or something far more sinister that Julian Assange is an anagram of  Ian Jus-Lasagne ? I'm just asking the question... But first. More shocks. Yes, even more. TransTasman relations in tatters as latest Wikileaks reveal Foreign Minister K. Rudd's deep-seated hatred of NZ. In cables to the PM he begs for permission to attack our nearest neighbour, explaining that while NZ had  done nothing specific to offend Australia ... " they just sort of shit me big time with their tuneful voices and infectious melodies and their unwooded semillion and their big girls blouse 100% virgin wool no-nuke approach to international diplomacy and if you ask me Flight of the Concordes are  bit overrated ... " Good. Just so long as there's nothing irrational going on here. But wait, there's more ... Confidential email

Which is in fact the name of another post but we'll just have to battle on as best we can. Do you have your passports and a change of clothing ? Good, because it's time for Word of the Week, and there may be some travelling involved. Let me take you back to that moment, that strange mix of shock and surprise when you  found out that the Rev Chuck Swindle is a real person (he is). And so is Romeo Geronimo. Defining moments in a person's life. Or is it just me .. ? Anyway. There I was thumping through our copy of the huge kill-a-burglar edition of Websters in search of answers to cryptic clues. As you do. And there it was - our word of the week .... BOIS DURCI And no, Bois Durci is not the new drivetime host on Nova, although that's a great guess. And not a bad idea. But it's actually an artificial hardwood made from hardwood sawdust and blood. Which means that at some point in history someone, maybe a french person, was sitting there with a bucket of blood a

All right, who stole November 31st? If the boy who stole November 31st will just put it back there'll be no further action. Fengshui I don't want to jump to conclusions but I remember you once stole July 4th because your family have always maintained America won the War of Independence by "cheating" ... what's that ? Fengshui's been absent this past week  ? Won't sit at a desk right by the door ? Okay. Look I'm going to turn off the lights for one minute and if the person who stole November 31st simply takes advantage of the oppor .. what ? Really ? All right then welcome to December 1st. "December" of course comes from the Latin "Decembere" which roughly translates as " to be in a state of disbelief that Christmas is virtually only three weeks away" If you'll excuse me, I've been called away to be something sensible. I'll be back as soon as plausible. And people, if you have no other choice, have a Nick